Its all over now.

I dont know how to put my feelings to words. In fact most of the time, i cant describe out my feelings when i have to talk to someone. How i wish there is this person, who will understand me so well without me having to say everything out. It ended, today. Initially i have not made up my mind, but after today, i did.
That feeling, how do i describe? Being in a place where u dont feel like doing anything, feeling so awkward, so uneasy, finding all ways to avoid, feeling like you are not yourself. Trust me, this isnt me, im not like that. I shouldnt force myself to do things which im not comfortable of doing.
Struggling through for the past few months, feeling so lost, having to suck it up everytime i failed, its kind of a misery. This isnt what it used to be, and its not something i wanted. Today, it ended. I hope i will be better.
Can you understand me? I just realized that they are not exactly similar to my case, and people whom i've told my story to, do you understand?
Maybe not, coz i dont really understand what im thinking either. Many people asked me why im doing this, why should i continue to let myself suffer, i said i dont know, i dont know whats holding me back. I just felt like i cant do this, i cant make up my mind. Why? I seriously dont know.
Maybe, maybe everyone is different. What others are feeling may not be exactly what im feeling. But i guess this is the right choice, things will change for the better right?

Its the last day of 2011. Let me just sum up this whole year. I guess this is one of the most shitty year i've had. The struggles i've been through is enough to kill me. But yes, like what i've said, i had been through it, so maybe its a good thing? I've become much stronger than the past.
There are many ups and downs, perhaps more downs than ups. And when i said downs, its really really downs. First time i cried in the lecture hall, first time i laid down on the floor crying just to prevent others from seeing me, first time i cried in the toilet for so long till i've got such bad headache and cant walk off on my own, first time..... There's so many of such first time. But its also the first time when i cried so badly and i can call someone who listened to me cried all the while on the phone, first time people having htht with me when i drank, first time people said those v caring words to me. First time i took over my cca as a vp, and first time i failed my role as a vp. First time i went overseas for a leadership camp, first time i challenged myself to do so much i thought i couldnt. But afterall, its all over. I wish to rmb all the good things that happen, and the bad memories, i want to forget it all.
I dont want to bring all the bad memories to 2012, i want to let it start off as a good year. I believe next year its gonna be better, because i've learnt so much from 2011, and definitely, i will be stronger, i will face all the tough challenges, and i'll overcome it.
Lets look forward to a better year ahead. And for today, we shall all end off our last day of 2011 well!
Alright its 2.15am, i need to sleep soon coz i still have work tml. Oh and on 1st jan too!
Goodbye people! :D

I hope you understand.

Hi people, just a short update before i go to bed.
Im actually waiting for my hair to dry up and im so sleepy now. Worked for one whole day today and im seriously tired.
Alright anyway, met up with wx and wj on monday since wj ended his a levels and we all decided to have a meetup. It was also like an advanced birthday celebration for wx. So we went to casa latina, as recommended by me. Hmm for those who didnt heard of it, maybe you will like to try it. Its a mexican restaurant, i actually did a project on it previously, and i thought the food was quite nice so i recommended to them and we went together. Its at waterloo street, just a few mins walk away from bras basah station. And i would say the ambience there is quite nice! (:

The pics were taken at the restaurant btw.

Okay, and last friday, we had a class outing at ecp. Sadly, quite little people came. But well, we all went cycling and took lots of pictures. Now just waiting for sophia to upload the pics hehe! :D
I think going to ecp is pretty nice when you are feeling down. I was rather moody that day. I guess going to the beach, or just standing by at the jetty, looking at the waters, perhaps it will make you feel much better. Yeah, though i didnt went to the beach that day.

Well and anyway, i've spend lots of time thinking and thinking. Though im still uncertain about it, but i guess i've more or less made up my mind. I realized i've always been avoiding and avoiding the problem, thinking that so long the problem doesnt affects me for now, its fine. But you see, even if it doesnt affects me for now, sooner or later it will. And it seems like i've always been going in circles, coming back to the same problem over and over again. You see, if i dont walk out of this circle, there's never gonna be an ending, i'll always return to the same point. So, i kinda decided on what i should do, and i just hope others would understand why. I dont really expect everyone to be able to understand, but at least, that few whom i always depend on.

That will be all, i dont want to start the emo story all over again.
Going out with ys tml hehe, i'll update again soon ;D
Bye!

For myself?

Today was a bad day. Really it was. No maybe i should say, it started out as a good day, but it was spoilt, it ended off so bad.
Do you ever know how it feels when no one believe you? They doubt your words, your character, your actions. So afterall that i've done, this is what i deserve?
Thanks seriously.
Whats wrong with my life seriously. People have been coming in and out, and they done so much hurt to me, affecting me so much. Do you ever see the pain in me? No, because im too good at pretending right?
I tried to put up a strong front, coz i told myself you will get over this. Indeed, it got so much better. I've walked out of those shit, the shitty life, im feeling so much better, why must you push me back?
And those times when i hid in my blanket crying silently, when i walked home with my eyes red, who saw? Those times when i struggled to get my feets up, those times when i never want to gave up, who saw?
I dont know if there's anyone trying to understand me, believe me. But i just know, the feeling of being misunderstood, the feeling of people accusing you, it sucks.
Is it fair to me for others to judge me like this? They are not me, how would they know what i've been through, what i've done. Is it even fair to me?
I dont see a point explaining, if you are someone who trusts me, someone close to me, would i even need to explain myself? You wont even ask for my explanation right? On the other hand, if you dont even trust me right from the start, no matter how much i say, you arent gonna believe me at all.
Thanks so much, im not being sarcastic here, im really thanking you. You put me right infront of reality and im force to accept the facts, and thanks to all these, i've finally know what i should do.
I dont blame you, not at all, coz i know, you meant well.
And a word of advice, dont ever do something that you like. If you are, make sure you are doing it well. If you are not, change to do something which you can do well instead.

我现在知道了，我没有资格。
从今天开始，我不会再对不起自己了。
我应该为我自己多着想，其他的事，可能就没那么重要了。

MST OVER! :D

My mst week is over, and i've cleared all my papers. I cant believe how fast time has past and look, its already decemeber, its my holidays now and soon, it will be year 2012.
Alright basically, i guess i wont really do very well for my papers this time round. I feel so unprepared this time round. Especially for my dip plus omg, i thought i was quite confident but apparently after the paper, i was really feeling so emo about it coz i kinda know that i'll do quite badly. Okay, if i really fail this time, i guess most likely i'll just drop dip plus, not that i want to give up so easily, but i dont see a point, coz the certificate will be quite useless if i do very badly. Okay, but whats over is over, i dont want to think about it but still, i hope it wont be that bad.

Alright, some pictures here! Went to ecp with sophia the other time, but she didnt have the time to upload the pics and finally here it is. We both cycled that time coz we reach there rather late and there isnt much time left. I love to go cycling/skating at parks. Okay my class outing next week is at ecp, gonna go back there and this time round, i want to skate.

I really love this picture so much!

Maybe it doesnt look very nice from this picture, but we caught the sunset that day and its really nice.

Okay so for this holiday, i've got some upcoming plans ahead. Gonna meet up with some of my secondary school friends that i've not seen for quite some time. Now that they all have finished their A levels, i guess they have lots of free time!
Still working during weekends, i actually got a weekday job, but i back out last minute and told them i wont be working. Its really last min, im suppose to start work tml but i told them today. Feeling really guilty about it, but seriously, im quite confused as to what i need to do. I dont even know anything about the job, i havent even gone for the briefing, and there isnt any instructions given to me. I just dont really like this kind of uncertainty, yeah so decided to tell them that i dont want to. I know this is bad, but sometimes, i dont really want to put others infront of myself, and put myself in a difficult position.
Yeap so now, still trying to find other jobs. Really need to work coz im saving up for my oitp. Its tiring to work and study at the same time, but... i dont really have a choice.

Alright, just asking a question. If you are really caught in a dilemma, what would you do? If you are in this situation whereby you have to force yourself to do something you dont like to, yet its something you should do, would you do it? Im feeling very troubled recently, okay maybe not recently, for quite some time i should say. But somehow i've been avoiding this problem for quite long, but it somehow just came to me that i shouldnt be avoiding it anymore. Im stuck in this situation, but i dont really know what to do. I dont want to force myself to do something i dont like, but yet, i feel that it is something i should do.
Its really something which has been bothering me for quite some time, but i cant seem to find the exact solution to it. I guess there's no "right" solution in this case, but at least a best solution to the problem. Its partly because i've made some sort of mistake in the past, and i dont wish to made the same mistake again. But, would you rather make a decision for yourself or for others?
Sighh, i really wish i can come to a conclusion. Alright, i'll go think about it. I always think a lot a night. I dont know why, but i'll usually feel very emotional at night. Probably because i think alot before i sleep. Its the best time when u can lie on bed, and think about everything. People wont ask you why you are staring into space, what you are thinking about and other related questions. Yeah, so i shall go think about it.
Yup i guess thats all i have. goodbye and goodnight. Its 1.45am i guess i should sleep soon :)

Such a busy girl!

Hi people, i'm such a busy girl this few weeks, which explains why i didnt really blog for a few weeks.
You know, i always try to blog at least once every week coz i like to take down what happened, how im feeling and many many things. Well, but these few weeks i've got quite a lot of presentations, so yeah. Actually i still have a presentation tml but i'll take some time to blog.
Okay, I'll start off with last wednesday. I had a project which requires us to do research on religion. So for my group, we are supposed to do on Buddhism. We visited a temple, interviewed a monk and i would say i've learnt quite a bit from him.
Well, there's so much things i didnt know about Buddhism. And all the teachings, it really makes sense to me, and i feel its actually quite interesting. I used to think religion is quite boring, but when i really research about it, its quite interesting seriously.
And if there's one thing that i learnt from what the monk said, it would be, "You are the result of what you are".
I guess most of you would be able to understand what it means right? Its a simple meaning, whatever you do, you will get it back. You did something good, you'll get back something good. Similarly, you did something bad, you will get something bad. The results may not show immediately, but who knows, its just a matter of time. Yeah, so i would say, its quite a fruitful trip there.

Last saturday, went for my cousin's wedding in the afternoon. And after that, met up with wx to watch you are the apple of my eye. Seriously, i think the movie is so super nice!!! Not exaggerating but i really thinks its nice. Its funny, so sweet, so touching. Yeah, so for those who havent watch it, go watch!! I actually want to re-watch the movie. Its the first time i want to watch a movie for more than once. Coz usually, i'll think its like a waste of money to watch a movie again, since you already know the whole story plot. But this time round, i think its worth spending the money. I only met up with her for a short while though, coz it was rather late when we met. So, i wished that holidays come quickly, so we can go out again :))

Okay, so for now, i think i should focus on all my other presentations till i finished them. And my mst is coming really soon, less than two weeks from now. Sighh, havent even started studying yet. I think im in deep trouble this time round, for the first few weeks, i havent been listening in lectures. So there's quite a lot of things which i dont really understand. Okay nvm, i'll study hard, hopefully i can do well. You know, now i really envy the JC people, i know there's quite a lot of you who have finished your papers for A levels. Time flies you see. I've been saying this for so many times really. Two years have passed, and they are gonna graduate soon. And here i am, still stuck at poly year 2. One more year to go before i graduate. Sometimes i would think, what would it be like if i had chosen to go to JC? I would be finishing my two years of JC education, able to go to university in a few months' time. I would meet different kinds of people, i would (maybe) be happier than now? Not saying that im not happy with my current life, just that, this doesnt seemed to be the kind of poly life i wanted, or rather, what i've expected. I dont exactly know whats the difference, but, its just different from what i thought it would be 2 years ago. Yeah true, but so what? Since we cant turn back time, i should just put all my efforts to do well for poly, and i cant wait for the last sem oitp! :D

Yeap thats about all i want to say, need to get back to work pretty soon. I guess i'll be rather busy for the next two weeks till my papers are over, so i'll blog after that. Wish me good luck for the rest of my presentations and all the papers! ;DD
Ohoh, go listen to 那些年 in the movie you are the apple of my eye. Super nice song and i just keep replaying over and over again.




I know its important to spare a thought for others, but isnt it more important to spare a thought for myself? This time round, i really hope to make a decision for myself, not for anyone else. Afterall, i'm living for myself, not for others. I'll try my best, but if i ever change my mind, i hope you will understand.

小时候

还记得小时候，有一位老师教过我们，不要把自己的快乐，建立在别人的痛苦上。
小时候的我，听了但是不能体会到。现在，我才真正的了解了。
做人不能这么自私，因为这样真的太不值得了。

This time round, its really the end.

I dont really know what to say, or how to start off.
Yes, i dont deny it hurts, it hurts badly.
But if anyone were to ask me, no i dont blame them. If somebody has to be at fault, i guess it would be me.
Many things shouldnt be said, shouldnt be done. If i have been more persistent, things wouldnt become this way right?
Life's always playing a fool of us, maybe, on me.
Things you dont want to see happening, always happened.
Its so dramatic, this sounds like a storyline to me, how i hope it is. But sad to say, its not, this is reality.
Its like a double blow for me, i've tried so hard and finally i've picked myself up and slowly getting back on track. But there again, it comes another huge blow.
But i guess life's always like this. It wont goes smoothly. Especially when it comes to love, nothing ever goes smoothly. Before a happy ending, there's always many unpleasant past. And for scorpio, it is said that our love life can rarely go smoothly. Yeah i believed in horoscope now, everything it said.
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. But for me, i dont prefer to be kept in the dark, i dont want to be like a fool. So, its better by being honest with me.
Like i've said, yes, im sad, but i dont blame anyone.
I guess the saddest part of all was the excuses i've been finding to deceive myself. The excuses i've been finding to tell myself that everything's fine. The lies i've been coming up with to tell myself that i'm being too paranoid, thinking too much. And, the lies you have said that made me believe that i really am thinking too much.
But i guess in a relationship, there's just no right or wrong. You do what you feel like doing, and what your heart wants you to.
There are just certain things, no matter how hard you try, what you do, it doesnt gives you back what you want. No amount of effort helps.
Guess all these are fated. There's nothing much that i can do to change anything, just be strong.
Someone once told me, "When the storm ends, that's when the rainbow will come out."
From the point of time he told me that, i've been waiting and waiting, till now, i'm still wondering, when's my rainbow ever gonna appear.
I'm like forever trapped in this storm of mine, and it seems as if it will never end.
But still, i shall be strong and face it, one day it will. And my rainbow, will definitely be one of the prettiest i've ever seen.
I guess i'll just take it as a lesson learnt, and perhaps, im gonna grow, turn more matured, and knows how to handle my feelings or emotions.
I guess sometimes, we shouldnt really trust people too much, except for ourselves. And this is something i've got to learn.
Dont worry, im fine. Today will be the end of all the emo thoughts, i'll go to sleep, and once i wake up, everything's gonna be fine and back to normal.
Girl, be strong, smile and dont let others see you fall.
You can be happy, really happy, and you can get over all this shit. Life's gonna get better and better.
Over here, i wished both of you all the best. Both of you are gonna be my best friends and this will go on. Last long and i'll always be there for anyone of you.


And this few days, i've been listening to this song for so long.
Replaying and replaying because it seems like every sentence of it describes how im feeling. Listen to it, the lyrics and everything, perhaps you will know how i feel.

杨丞琳 - 我们都傻

计算着为你流下了多少眼泪
就代表又对我的心 撒了多少谎
但每次我都选择 选择相信
相信你是 爱我的

倔强的以为我真的能改变你
看你装无辜的眼神 我很窒息
难道你没有看见 看见我对你的好
还是你忘了 那些数不清的爱情轨迹

你说我傻 傻在爱上只懂爱自己的人
我说你傻 傻在爱她 你的眼睛骗不了人
我们都傻 傻在为一段没有未来的爱情付出
还在期待会有奇迹出现

你说我傻 傻在爱上没有感情的分身
我说你傻 傻在爱她 就固执的奋不顾身
我们都傻 傻在宁愿被牺牲也不愿放弃天真
还在期待会有奇迹出现

谁没有为爱做过傻事
只是问心无愧 讽刺也无所谓

我说我傻 傻在爱上没有感情的分身
你说你傻 傻在爱他 就固执的奋不顾身
我们都傻 傻在宁愿被牺牲也不愿放弃天真
还在期待会有奇迹出现
还在期待会有奇迹出现

Finally 18!

Hello people, i've just celebrated my 18th birthday yesterday. Yes i finally turned 18 :D
Had a simple birthday celebration, a mini surprise by some gusto friends and thanks to twx for coming all the way to sp to find me.
Well although its a simple birthday celebration, but it doesnt matter to me. Since young, i've never thought of birthday as some really special day, to me, its just a day when you were born. So i dont really need to have big surprises, many presents, or whatever. A simple one will do, and i really appreciated the efforts by my dear friends to make my birthday a happy one. Twx came to sp to have lunch with me, wished my happy birthday, and bought a cake for me. And then in the afternoon, i've got a mini surprise by some gusto friends and received a present and cake from jocelyn, fecilia and sophia. And then at night we went to have buffet. Super fattening day coz i've eaten two chocolate cakes and buffet :(
And on wed kind of have an advance birthday celebration. Well maybe not really celebration, perhaps half outing half celebration alright. Went to watch paranormal activity 3 in the afternoon, went to plaza sing and walked arnd, and went to sing k at night. Thanks to them for spending the day with me. I know i dont appear really happy that day, but yeah i enjoyed my day and am so thankful you guys took the time to come out even though the both of you are so busy. And thanks so much, i've got a really cute pooh that adds on to my pooh collection, now i have 4 poohs on my bed! :DD Super duper cuteeeeee!
I know this few weeks isnt pleasant for me, there's too many unhappy things happening, too much for me to take. Not afraid to say, i've kind of been breaking down in school, and im just feeling really down recently. But i guess i've sorted out my thinking, and also thanks to my dearest friends who have always been there for me, listened to me and everything.
I guess i'll take this birthday as a turning point for me, i've received so many texts from my friends and most of them told me not to emo anymore and be a cheerful girl. I replied to them saying i'll try my very best to, and yes, i will really try my very best to smile, laugh, joke around and be a cheerful girl alright?
So what i just wanna say is, thanks to those people who stood by me and celebrated my 18th birthday with me. Really appreciate everybody's efforts, even to those who wished me on fb, or wished me by texts.

Me with my super cute poohs! Ps, the one they got for me is the left one! hehe :D





Sometimes, you wont really understand how it feels unless you experience it.
Now that i know how it feels, im really sorry towards you. And thankful towards you too.
I think you have been so nice and thoughtful, just that i didnt realized.
I was too self-centered and only thought about myself.
And for now, i just hope we are back to friends. Any mistakes i've made, i apologized coz i guess im still like a little girl and am still having an immatured mindset.
So, since i've sorted out my thinking, im actually feeling much better.

First week of school :((

Hellos, as you can see, im not excited at all.
My first week of school was a disaster seriously.
Okay, firstly, my timetable is like a total mess and idk if i have mentioned this before. I've got 3 days of 8am lesson. 4 days with 3 hr consecutive break. Ends school at pretty late everyday :(
Alright and seriously, my first week of school, i totally cant concentrate at all. Yeah something happened, but thats not exactly what thats affecting me. I guess im too used to working, you know working makes you feel like an adult right. Too used to the kind of life, working, slacking, going out, having fun. And now that im back to school, im like being treated like kid, well maybe not exactly a kid, but a student and it just feels so different as working.
I get so sick of school, everytime i try to listen in lectures, my mind get drifted away somewhere else. Wts, i've got a really bad feeling abt this sem!
This sem is so different from previous sem seriously. Last time even though i didnt wish for school reopens, i'll still buck up and adapt back to school life after a few days or so. Apparently its a week and im still in holiday mood. I feel that i am happier when im working you know.
And this sem, im so unlucky. Sighhh shouldnt mention about it.
Im thinking of whether i should drop my dip plus or not coz apparently this sem, my lecturer is from china, sorry not discriminating people from china. Its just that i find it a little hard to understand what he's teaching. My first dip plus lesson for this sem, and im already struggling with it. I heard that if i actually get a C for dip plus, the cert is as good as nothing. I got an A for first sem, B for second sem, and for this sem, i've got a really bad feeling. You see, im already busy enough for this sem, i dont really wish to waste my time if i know i really cant cope with it. Perhaps i'll try for a few more weeks and see how it goes :X
Yup thats pretty much about it for this week. I hope i can quickly adapt back to school life, i havent been listening in lectures, sigh im so gonna die! :(

if only.

If this is a dream, I want to wake up fast.
In the past, I won't want to wake up, I would want to stay in my dreams forever.
But its like everything has kinda turned into a nightmare for me.
Do you know I'm struggling inside? I'm struggling to overcome what I'm feeling.
I wish I can tell you about all this, not to gain sympathy or anything.
But, I just wish to talk.
You will never know how it feels. I know, I brought it upon myself.
Its just that up till this point of time, I really don't know what to do, how to react.
Someone tell me, how to continue from here?

Tonight.

I've saved this post as a draft for a day coz i am too lost and confused with my own feelings ytd. I've kind of sorted out my thinking so here i am saying out what i feel. You guys dont really have to know what happen, but its just some kind of problems im facing. But i guess all these are the parts and parcels of life.
Some truths are hard to accept, but its better if you are strong and just accept and face the fact.
I know, i guess everyone knows it. Its just that its always easy to say, but difficult to do.
Sometimes we do know the truth, yet we just avoid it, find excuses.
But does it lead you anywhere? Even if there's no problems now, someday there's gonna be some problems.
Yes, people say we have to fight hard for something you really want. Yet sometimes, it doesnt really applies to everything. I would say, sometimes, just giving up, letting go, may be a better choice though.
I guess you're right, there's too many things that i didnt know.
But this is not your fault. You know, i dont blame, dont hate you at all. Because i know, somehow or somewhere, you still did spare a thought for me. And through all these, i'll somehow grow stronger and learn alot more.
I know im such an indecisive person. I am confused with my own thoughts. I know whats best for me, but i dont want to do it that way.
Actually there's so much more i wanted to say to you. I dont know if you will ever read this, i doubt so but, but, if u really do, keep reading on.

...
Like what i've mentioned, i never hated you/blamed you coz i clearly know u were not in the wrong.
In fact, you did spare a thought for me somehow.
But i wished you could have said it to me. It might not make a difference to what i've heard, but i wanted it to be from you. Though you didnt, im fine with it, i believed you are sparing a thought for me.
Im sorry for being so spoilt, so unreasonable and not thinking in your position. Im sorry for lying, i didnt want to, in fact i hate to lie, but thats my only choice.
I hope you understand me, why im doing all these.
Actually u know, i dont expect anything, i dont need you to do anything.
I dont want to add to your troubles or problems.
I just want you to know, there are certain times when you have to be hard on others in order to really help them. Being too soft might only cause more harm.
I know you dont want to, or dont mean to, but, im not a little girl. You see, im 18 years old, not very very old but yes, old enough to learn.
I hope you will see that i still treat you as a friend, and anytime you really need me, i can be there.
And i guess somehow after going through all these, after a while, i wont be seen by you as a xiao mei mei anymore.
As for now, lets just continue to pretend, pretend as if everything's alright okay?
...

Okay end of it.
Im fine people. Thanks to those who cared and i'll soon get back up.
Tonight, i wish, its the last night for all these emo thoughts.
9 more days, i want to get back up so at least i wont be drowing in those emo thoughts and make my day an emo one.
BYEBYE.
:D I'll start to smile from now.

My last week of holiday :((

Hi people, just some updates for my previous week.
Had training camp over the weekends. You know, having been through this year's training camp, it sort of reminded me of ours last year. How nice would it be if everyone was still around, how nice would it be if all of us could be back to that time. I guess our dear juniors would probably have learn something from the training camp, and i really hope they will remember it hard.
Went somerset with wx for a little shopping, and we went to watch johnny english reborn. Heard that it is a pretty good movie but havent had the time to watch it until mon. Htht a little, and it kinda make me feel better to have someone listening.
Went fareast with ys today and wanted to buy something initially. But end up being empty handed.
Sighhh, dont know whats wrong with me. Recently i havent been able to get anything i want when i go shopping. Not as if i've got no money to spend, just that i cant spot anything i like :(
Oh well, i just wanted to spend some money to pamper myself for working so hard you see.
And plans for tml? Nope, just wants to stay at home and pack my room a little. School's gonna start and i'll have no time for packing.
As for friday, gonna have outing with my ipoh A friends. Well im quite lookng forward to it and i hope it will be a success! Wish that this friendship of ours would last because they are definitely people whom i've had fun with for that 4 days in ipoh.
And for weekends? Working. Im currently working during weekends coz i need to save up for my oitp. I know it will be kinda busy for me when school reopens, but well, i'm not any fortunate kid and definitely have to work towards it myself. But well, i find joy when im working too! At least i've got to learn new things, and i feel happy when i earn the money myself :D
And this is my last week of holiday. Sighhh 6 weeks passed by really fast, i was just telling ys today, i dont wish for school to start. As in, i really got a v reluctant feeling. Im feeling so sick of school. For my 6 weeks of holiday, i had a good enough break. Sometimes i go out with friends, have a nice htht, sometimes i'll go shopping, sometimes go for training, sometimes go for work, i've got an overseas camp which allowed me to make awesome friends, been through a training camp, have enough time to rest at home. And now, i dont even want to start school.
I feel that life at school is so meaningless. Im doing everything over and over again, repeatedly. Monday to friday, lessons, i'll have all the tutorials, projects, then comes weekends, then repeat itself again. I mean im doing the same thing repeatedly, but i dont see the point. Maybe it was because of last sem, when i actually put in so much effort, struggled so much, and i didnt really see results up to my expectation. Im sick of doing all these, im afraid of going back to face all the projects and schoolwork you know?
But no matter what i've said, i know, i've got no choice. Face it, 2 more semesters, hang in there, and for the last sem i'll go for my itp, probably gonna have lots of fun overseas?
Alright, thats pretty much what i want to say, gonna update again someday, dont know when, perhaps when i've got something to say.
So goodbye :)



"If he misses you, he'll call. If he cares, he'll show it. If not, he can't be worth your time because you are obviously not worth his."
I get what it means, but you know, sometimes you understand the situation, yet you don't really want to face the fact and let go. The kind of feeling...

Decision?

So i thought about it, whats my decision?
I guess im really selfish. Just because i want to be happy, i didnt ask about other's feelings. I didnt know, didnt understand.
I made a decision previously, yet i wasn't even firm with it. I didnt even stick to my promise.
But now, you see, if someone is feeling unhappy because of my actions, i should be stopping it right? And whats more, if the person matters to you.
I'm so sorry for being so demanding, unreasonable and insensitive.
Sorry, i'll change.

不值得。。

如果他关心你，他不会让你担心他。
如果他关心你，他不会让你为他伤心。
他明明知道你很想他，却不联络你。
你却一直为他的行为找借口，因为你不想知道事实。
明知道逃避不是办法，明知道不值得，为什么不肯放手呢？


Seriously, i dont understand what you are thinking in your mind.
You're bored, you called me.
You happy, you text me.
You are lazy, you don't reply me.
You know i'm worried, yet you don't bother explaining.
You know i'm sad, yet you don't bother saying anything.
When you feel like it, you'll call back.
Listen, i'm not a substitue, not your toy.
Not something you want it anytime, you can have it. Dont want it, you can throw aside.
I'm not gonna do it again, never.

Thoughts running through my mind

Any idea what's worth fighting for in life? I mean what's worth working hard for?
Some things can be gone so easily, so what if you fought so hard for it?
Things haven't been going right for me recently. Obviously october isn't a good month.
Its only the start of october and you see, I'm so troubled.
I'm actually blogging with my bb now coz my laptop has been send for repair.
Sighh, how I wish I can go back to ipoh. I know saying this means that I'm trying to run away from reality, trying to avoid the problem. Yeah I am, that's because I don't wish to get hurt, because I don't wish to face disappointments.
Everytime I come back from overseas, I'll wished that I can just stay there and don't come back.
It doesn't matter where I go, but just not here. Life here is so much more stressful, there's so many problems.
I hate it when I get affected by someone's words so easily.
But seriously, its the most irresponsible statement I've heard.
So tell me, what have I done to deserve this?
Do I even have a choice? If I have, I don't wish to choose another path, I will rather not choose any path.
I'll rather not be here.
I have to depend on myself for so many things, its really tiring.
Its funny to know someone whom you are closest with don't even help or understand you, can't even be bothered.
So what? Who else can I trust and depend on? Only myself isn't it?
Yeah indeed. Many times, its not as if I don't want to trust people, its because I don't dare to trust people.
I'm just so tired, tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of guessing. Tired of handling things myself.
I thought all the tough times were over. The storm hasn't end yet.
I was told, there will be a rainbow after the rain, you just have to wait for the storm to end.
But when? How long more?
I don't know, all I know is, I've got to be stronger.
I guess now, I've know what's my priority.
I'm sorry for being selfish. But, I don't want to carry on like this.

Times like this.

You know how it feels to be doing something you don't like?
You know how it feels to keep pushing yourself when you're already so tired?
You know how it feels to keep running away from the problem even though you know you shouldnt?
You know how it feels when you see others being so happy but you're not having the same feeling?
You know how it feels when you just wish you could not bother or care about anything but you know you just can't?
Perhaps none of you know how it feels.
I dont know why, it seems like im always making the wrong decisions. If only i have been more persistent, more determined and not so fickle minded, i guess things wouldnt be like this now.
If only i had more courage at that time, things wouldnt be like this now.
I'm so tired trying to cope with all these, and now its only during holidays. What about school reopens? I dont know how to face all these problems...
It is times like this when i really feels so helpless, times like this when i really wished i can just hide in a corner, not care about any things.
But you see, i can't be so selfish. I made the decision, how can i allow others to bear the consequence?
But... the kind of feeling, there's no way you can stop thinking about it.
I'm sorry, i know i wasnt of any help, idk how i can help either.
I wish it wasn't me, perhaps someone else would do a better job.
You know, this seems like an honour, a glory or something, but now, to me, it feels like a burden, something which keep pulling me down.
I don't want to see others getting so tired and trying to help me clear up my mess when i am the one responsible.
But trying to do it myself is really so tiring. You know that kind of tired which i'm refering to? Not as if i had a good sleep tonight and tml i wake up, im gonna be fine. NO. The kind of tiredness, its mentally. Feels as if there's so many things, and they accumulated, so much that i really dont know how to get rid of it.
If i could turn back time, there's so many things i would do, and so many things i wouldn't do.
I guess i owe others too many apologies, and too many thankyou.


If you were here, i would feel so much better.
I dont need you to listen to me, dont need you to know whats going on, i just wish that you are around to talk to me.
But no, you're not. Especially when i needed you the most.

New experiences, memories and friends :D

Before i start, warning first, this is a very long post!
Anyway, 4 days in ipoh have come to an end. I've got back many nice memories from that place, made awesome friends. On the first day, everyone seemed to be so unfamiliar with each other. So, after a 10 hours train ride, we finally reached ipoh. Then we took a bus to our campsite, earth camp. On my way there, me and fec were complaining about how bad the place is. The campsite is located deep inside some kind of forest, everywhere around was trees. After reaching there, i seriously dislike the place so much coz there were so many cats around. Maybe i didnt said this before, but i am really scared of cats. So throughout my 4 days there, i kept screaming whenever i saw a cat nearby. Anw, the campsite is some kind of eco-friendly campsite. The toilets there was from recycled water tanks, we bathed in rainwater, which i apparently didnt really like it alot. There's lots of mosquitoes, bugs and weird insects around. I felt it was worse than other campsites which i've went before. Maybe to some people, they feel that the place is just like nature, but i just couldn't adapt to the environment. And on the first night, we also had to choose our buddy, who is someone we will depend on for the rest of the days there. So we were told not to choose someone whom we were close with, but someone whom we dont really speak to or dont really like. Yeah and so we did, most of us stepped out of our comfort zone and chose someone we aren't close with. And we had to think of a group name. Our group called ourselves "grassroot leaders" since we were at earth camp, its like nature and we are all leaders. Lol i know it is so random but i thought that we were actually quite creative to think of it.

Alright then for day 2, we had some activities. Firstly we did kayaking at kampar river. It was fun coz it was actually my first time kayaking. I was with my buddy and we had a little practice first. I was so noob at it and didnt really know how to control the direction, so we ended up going straight into a bush with tree branches sticking out. We had to lower our heads to go through but all the disgusting branches and insects ended up dropping on our kayak. Then after that we kind of switched partners and tried kayaking again. This time round we went straight into the bush a few more times and it was really painful coz some of the bigger and thicker branches hit my head. We also capsized once after hitting the bush, but i feel capsizing was fun, i floated in the water awhile before some of my teammates help me up to my kayak. So after that we had another activity, which is the high rope challenge. We went to mountain school and tried the high elements. There's actually 3 different elements. The first one is the easiest, followed by the second and third one. The third one is at about 9m high. I was rather scared at first, because i didnt try it before. So again, we had to go with our buddy. I wanted to try either first or second element, but the queue was too long, so in the end, i told my buddy we shall try the third one first since there was not much people there. I guess most people didnt dare to try that first. So we went, we were the third pair of buddy and i was the first girl there to try. So we went up, after climbing the giant ladder i was already very tired, my legs were trembling, because i was tired and perhaps also because it was too high and i was so scared. So for the third element there are also several parts to it. I kind of regretted trying that element first after i climbed the giant ladder because i realized i wasnt mentally prepared. But i've got no choice. So we went on to try the first part of it. I dont know what it is called, but there is just a rope and we had to walk on it to reach the other ends, there were only ropes on top for us to hold onto, nothing at the side. I personally felt that was the most scary. I took my first step out, my heart was beating so fast, my buddy was infront of me and he encouraged me alot. I was scared, but i told myself, there's no way i can turn back, if i want to get down, the only way is to complete it. If i don't move forward, i will just be stuck there. And the instructors have a rule, your buddy needs to be always near you, i think only one arm distance away. So if i don't move, he can't move either. So i did, i challenged myself and kept moving forward. I was really thankful to my buddy coz he encouraged and motivated me a lot throughout. If it was in the past, i would be screaming and shouting like a mad woman up there, but i didnt. And the trainer even said that i am very good at concentrating and focusing :D So i went on, moved forward to complete the rest of the parts. My favourite was the forth part, flying skateboard. We just stood on a board and held on to a bar and just "skated" across to the other end. And the last part was flying fox which was also very fun. You know, i was so proud, so proud of myself when i finished it. I had a phobia of height and i did the third element first, i didnt stop, i kept moving on until i finished it. My phobia of height wasn't that bad after i joined cheerleading, but still, that height was much higher than the kind of height i've went for in cheerleading. The trainer told me, " if you can deal with such intense pressure at that high level, you can actually deal with a lot of problems in the future". I was really proud and happy for myself. I know i sounded as if im bragging, but whatever, i know i've done a good job that day, so yes, im proud to say it out.

So for day 3, we had swift water rescue in the morning. We learned few techniques on how to rescue people. So firstly we tried how to cross shallow water, the water was flowing so fast and its really difficult to cross over. Then we tried how to use a throw bag. Basically just throw it out for someone who's in the water to get the rope. So we went in buddy pair, one person will be floating down from upstream and the other buddy to throw the throw bag. I was the first person to be floating down and i was quite lost. My buddy missed the throw and luckily someone else saved me. Yup so they have a few backups just in case the buddy miss it. And when my buddy went, i missed the throw too. Actually i've never did a successful throw haha, i really didnt know how to. My facilitator said it isn't about the amount of strength used, its the technique, but somehow i just cant master it. Alright, then after that we went somewhere else where the water flows even faster. We were taught how to swim across in any case if our raft capsize and we fell into the water. In the swift water, when we swimmed, we have to swim at 45 degrees upstream. Yeap so we tried flowing down from upstream and swam at a certain point. It was really fun. Alright, then we tried how to overturn the raft if our raft capsized, and climbing back up. The climbing part is difficult in the deeper water, basically a lot of teamwork is needed for everyone to get back up on the raft. So after that, we had a quick lunch and everyone went back for white water rafting. That was the fun part. It was a few hours of rafting, there were many rapids along the way. Each raft have a guide with us and he really helped us alot. And after that, we had a competition. My raft came in first! We took 28 minutes to kayak back to the campsite! A lot of teamwork is needed for that. I was the leader for the raft, and im so thankful that my other followers cooperated with me and listened to all my instructions. So at night, we went to ipoh town to walk for a while. We went to a pasar malam, there was nothing much there, didnt buy anything back because the pasar malam there is just like singapore's one. Just that theirs is permanently there, unlike singapore one which will only be there for about a few weeks.

Day 4, we had our last activity which is to appreciate our teammaters. We were given pebbles, but we called them gems. So we were suppose to give these gems to people whom we felt have helped us. So first person we are suppose to give to is our buddy. It was quite awkward actually because we were suppose to say things like: "You are a gem in my heart, I gave you this gem because...". It just feels very awkward when we had to say it face to face yeah. Then after giving it to our buddy, we can give it to anyone else. But i really appreciated those who gave me the gems, and those whom i've given the gems to. And others who have helped me, but because of time constraint i didn't give it to. Yeap then after that, home sweet home, another 10 hours of train ride. Reached singapore at about 9.30pm at night, luckily there's my to send me back home. Imagaine im so tired and have to take train all the way home. Wanted to cab but im so broke recently and didnt want to waste money. His mum went to bukit panjang to drop gary off first, it was so near his house but he still decided to drove the rest of us to redhill. Yes my drove omg he is so smart, i dont even know how others can drive. I cant even remember the roads in singapore :X And he drove so well. Okay so thankyou my.

Alright so four days there, i've learnt a lot really. Through all the activities, the facilitators and trainers actually taught us different concepts. Some of the concepts also include the 7 habits which i've learned before in ctss. But this is so much more different. They made it so much more interesting and understandable by using the activities, and allowing us to see the concepts in a clearer manner when we do the activities. I'm more aware of myself, know what kind of leader i am, and i hope for all those things that i've learnt, i can apply it to my life and try to help my club in whatever way i can. I've made so many new awesome friends, they have helped me so much this few days. Especially those in my group, whereby we did the activities together. And also my buddy, who have help and encourage me alot. Throughout the few days, we often have to take a walk with our buddy and have a talk. I thought it was awkward, but still, it is through all the talks that i've learnt how to appreciate others. So i hope the friendship with this bunch of friends would last because i definitely think that leap camp is the best camp i've went to so far. I've brought back many nice memories with me, definitely it will stay with me for long. I've also got a lot of mosquito bites, cuts, bruises and also sunburn from the camp. I think the cuts and bruises were from the kayaking. And now my face is so red, peeling so badly, my hands too :(
But still, its worth it alright. So time for pictures now!

Around the campsite...

At ipoh town, the food..

On the train, we were all so bored. So we spam photos!

My group

My precious gems given by others.

Certificate :D

Yup thats about all, the fun have ended, im gonna start work next week and i'll take the time left to enjoy my holiday before it ends.
Bye people! Have a good week ahead! :D

Bye people! :DD

Hi, just some updates for this week.
Alright, last friday day i went out with wx to town and we just walked around a little. She brought me to marche for lunch, first time there. Always wanted to try but didnt had the chance to. It was quite nice, i've also heard good reviews about it.
Okay, then yesterday, met with yansan and we went to party world. First time i go to party world coz normally i choose to go kbox. It was pretty okay, has been such a long time since i went to sing. After that, we spam alot alot of pictures!

Yup there's alot more pics and im waiting for her to upload!

Alright, another thing is, my results for this sem are out. Disappointment, definitely there will be a little, i cant totally say im happy with it. Just that, i've learnt to accept it since i've really tried my best this time round. I really struggled through the semester, and i was so tired with everything, i really did tried my best. I expected this gpa, so actually im feeling kinda alright. Some modules which i thought i would do better, but i didnt, some which i thought i wont really do well, but i did. So perhaps, its still balance out afterall. At least this isnt my worst results, my worst gpa was the first sem of my first year, which supposedly should the most easy semester? But my gpa was kinda pulled down a little as compared to last semester. And i also found out that my classmates did quite well, no, in fact very well as compared to my results. But, i've decided not to expect so much. I mean we cant really compare with others sometimes, although thats what humans always do. But we have to look at our situation too, perhaps others are much more hardworking, much more clever, have more time? I dont know... but since i've tried my best, so i'll just accept it. Anyway, its not that bad afterall. 人比人，气死人。So, i will just 看开一点 :D

Okay, and anyway, tml im going to malaysia, ipoh, for leap camp. Its a leadership camp, and i guess it will be quite different from previous camps that i went. Quite looking forward to it, the activities seemed fun. Just that i've to wake up damn early tml, and we are taking train omg. A 10 hours train ride, *faint*. But i hope to learn something out of it. I'll update more when i come back from it. Will be away for 4 days, so dont miss me too much! :D
Alright thats all, enjoy your week people! :)

I'm sorry.

Sorry is nothing but just a five letter word. You know, sorry wont mean anything if you dont intend to change or do anything about it.
Whats the point of saying sorry if you know you will do the same thing again? Because that will meant "i'm sorry but i will hurt you again".
Sometimes you might not know, some of your small little actions may hurt others a lot.
I rather not to receive any apology. If you are saying just for the sake of saying, then save it. Only say it if you really mean it.
If you said sorry, the other person didnt say they forgive you, you know they didnt really accept your apology.
I didnt, i didnt said i forgive you. Not because i'm angry or anything, i'm fine with it, but its just that i kinda know the sorry wont change anything, its meaningless.
In fact, i dont think you should be the one saying sorry.
I should be the one. I'm sorry, so sorry for expecting so much. So sorry for being so paranoid. So sorry for being such a nuisance. So sorry for trying to care. So sorry for anything or everything you think i've done wrong. Yes, i should be the one apologizing.
And since i said sorry, i mean it. I'll correct myself, what i've done wrong, and make sure i dont do it again.

Care

Don't take others for granted, don't think that it is just right for them to care for you.
When you know others care, shouldnt you do the same?
Everyone gets tired, nobody will always be there for someone, always giving in.
If you aren't gonna appreciate when others care for you, one day they will just leave you alone.
If that's what you want, fine, i've got nothing else to say.

Keep going,

Hi, this few days was rather alright. I've cleared some of my thoughts i guess. Had gusto first agm yesterday and a rather failed outing?
Supposed to head to marina barrage for a picnic but the weather wasnt good that day, so we change our plan to vivo instead.
There wasnt much things to do there, so... it was rather boring.
At vivo it was such a coincidence, was just walking around with them when i saw him. Didnt call out coz its kind of awkward since we were walking in different direction and were both with our own friends.
After vivo headed to hougang with fecilia to surprise frankie for his birthday.
I think im so nice yesterday, i went all the way to hougang and took train all the way back to redhill myself, just for a mini surprise. Nice right?
Well, but its good to know that he loves the present we got for him, great to have celebrated with him.
I was rather happy for the previous few days, thought things was changing for the better for me. But i guess happiness might not always be around for long. I should be prepared that things will change sooner or later.

Like i've said earlier on, i've cleared some thoughts in my mind. I guess i've already made up my mind, some things wont affect me anymore. I just wanted and needed to finish up what im suppose to do. I know this time, i really did made up my mind, coz its really different from how i felt previusly. Im so sorry to those who cared, but for now, i'll do what im suppose to. And maybe some time later, i'll decide what to do.
Thats it for now, i'll update again another time! :D

Mid autumn at ctss! :D

Sorry this post came a bit late, was suppose to be on wed when we went back to ctss.
Anw, so here it is. That day me and wx were just talking about whether we want to go back to ctss for teachers day, which was initally what we planned. But because teachers day celebration was changed to 2sep, and we had work, we cant go back. And luckily, sh found out that 31st aug was ctss mid autumn celebration, so we went there. Met up with sh and wh earlier, quite nice talking to them since i havent met them for so long. And then we went in to ctss. And on our way there, we were waiting at the traffic light and i look into a bus that stops infront of us, saw a really familiar face in the bus. For that moment i keep staring at him and in the end he said hi, and i hi back, so i think the guy is yusheng if im not wrong. Lol till now i still dont know if it is him, but i guess so. Alright and the celebration was boring as usual, but its the memories there that makes it special. This year they didnt have the celebration at the parade square, it was in the school hall. Saw quite a lot of familiar faces there, and walking back into this school which i've not visited for quite long really brings back many nice memories.

Their 猜灯谜, as usual, every year they will have it.

Taken with alicia :D

And sam

With wx at the study corner, used to be my favourite hangout place that time.

And this was taken in our favourite toilet i think.

And the study corner again, if im not wrong, this is the table we always sat. Everyday during recess, we will go to the study corner, our initial plan was to mug together, but me, wx and wj would always end up gossiping. Always, and our study plan always fail. Yes, my favourite place, really.
Alright i only took pics with a few of them though there's quite a lot of ppl i saw. And some pics were from wx btw.

You know, i really missed ctss so much when i was walking around that day. I remember when i was still in secondary school, i dread going to sch everyday coz i had to wake up so early, go for the boring lessons and then extra makeup classes and everything. I really wished i could graduate fast and go on to either jc or poly, which i thought would be more fun for me. But now that im in poly, i wished that i could go back to secondary school days... Life back then was considered less stressful, though i thought it is really stressful during o level period. But comparing now and then, ctss is a much better place for me.

Alright thats it for mid autumn, and then after wed, from thu until sun, i went to work at the it fair. Basically my job was rather simple, there's nth much for me to do. Im just doing redemption for banks. And sometimes it gets a little boring coz there's really not much work you see. But well, i enjoy the 4 days there, coz i've got nice colleagues, nice supervisors. I've worked with them for natas fair too. They were all so nice to us, and yeah, kind of miss them since i doubt i will be seeing them often :(
Hope there are other of such jobs when we still have chance to work with them.
Yup thats all for this week, i wish to make more plans for the upcoming weeks to make full use of my holiday :DD
Bye, i'll be back for update some day!

Problem

I was just thinking, if all the problems we had were like maths problems where there's a standard formula to it, a standard solution to it, everything would be so simple. We wouldnt need to ponder about it, wouldnt need to get affected by it.
I just realized some things today.
Sometimes when people say something, you can listen to them, but dont take it seriously. Because they might not mean what they said, and in the end, its you who will get yourself hurt.
And humans, are really superficial. They only judge by what their eyes can see. Why didnt anyone judge using their hearts, on what they can feel? You saw this, you saw that, and you implied, you assumed, you misunderstood others. Do you know how hurtful it feels?
It really hurts when you believed and trusted someone, but just to realize that the person didnt meant what he/she said. No, worse still, the person didnt even believe you. Sometimes when you are so depressed, so irritated, having lots of problems, when someone lends you a helping hand, a listening ear, you tend to be very grateful to that person. But, it hurts after knowing that behind every words that was said, there's a different story to it. They dont mean what they said.
Sometimes you know some words are lies, but you still stupidly chose to believe. Coz you thought, maybe, maybe there is a possibility it might be true. You just didnt want to give up on that small little possibility.
Yes, its true that some people may have helped you. But its time to learn not to trust people too much.
Problem, it always exist. Just that we are too good at pretending. Pretending as if nothing happened, no problems exist.

End of year 2 sem 1 :D

Hi guys, its the end of my exams and im here to update my blog!
Feeling so relax after everything's over.
I know perhaps i wont do really well for my modules this sem, but well, i guess sometimes we shouldnt really expect too much as long as we did our best.
Apparently, i had a test for one of my modules, and i got back the test results on tue. I thought i would get an A, but i didnt. It was a B+, i was so disappointed that day, coz i thought the test could help to pull up my marks for that module so that i could do well for it.
But no, it didnt. I was really disappointed that day, but i was told, my marks arent that bad after all. Yeah it wasnt that bad, but i just wished it could be better. But afterall, i still told myself its alright, just dont have too high expectations the next time round. Well, if you dont set your expectations too high, and if it didnt turn out well, you wouldnt be too sad. And if it turns out well, you will be very happy, which is a good thing isnt it?
Alright, anw im glad that this sem has come to an end. You guys probably dont know or wont know, this sem is a terrible one for me. I guess im never so stressed in the entire school life of mine. Perhaps because its the first sem of year 2, i couldnt adapt to it since year 2 is much harder than year 1. Well, i still have 2 more sems to complete in sp, the other sem will be my itp. Thankfully its all over, i'll take a good break during this holiday.
Anyway, i dont know if i've mentioned this. I know i said that i've been wanting to go for overseas itp, either at usa or finland. Anyway, initially i thought i would be going in march next year, which is just half a year later, because apparently thats how it goes for previous batches. But there's a change of plan for my batch, and i'll be going in next year sep instead. Apparently its another disappointment for me, well not because im too excited to go, but there's some other reasons. I was seriously so pissed off with the change of plan, i was so disappointed, and in a really bad mood at that time. But i know there's nothing i can do, and i've got to accept it. Now that i did accept it, i guess there are certain problems which i have to face, and i cant escape from it anymore.
Okay anyway, lets not talk about that. So, whats my plan for hols?
I plan to work if i can find, definitely i need some lobang from ppl, if you guys do have please tell me. I need to work to save up for my overseas itp though its still long, but its quite a lot of money too.
And yup besides working, hmm training i guess? Going out to enjoy myself, and taking a good break.
Well anyway, is anyone going back to ctss for year's teachers day? I know its random, but i kinda miss ctss and my classmates and friends. Thinking about it, times flies. Has been 2 years since i've graduated from there, its like just a few more months before the jc ppl finished their jc education. Okay alright, thats random.
Well anw, happy holidays to those who already had theirs and good luck to those still have exams! :D

Its difficult to...

Im choosing something which is supposedly better for me.
It may not be the best solution to problems, but at least, it makes myself feel better.
Now i understand, perhaps many words were said to make me feel better, or were a form of encouragement or maybe just to comfort me. In fact, they may all be lies, but i believe its white lies in this case.
In fact, i wasnt really expecting anything, i've made my decision already. Im just rather disappointed to know that all those words were not meant to be true... Im not implying that im blaming anyone, i know no one is at fault. But i would rather not hear lies, but its okay, i'll just pretend as if i didnt know anything and didnt realize.

I know there's a limit how much others can help me...
People around me are trying, perhaps now i've realize it. Maybe the problem lies with me.
Sorry that i'm always like this. Just that at times, i dont know why, im just like this. You all probably wont know, i've tried, but cant.
Im just in no mood for anything, not interested in anything.
And perhaps because of this, im slowly distancing myself, im losing trust in others and i dont really wish to communicate so much anymore.
Actually i know i'm not solving the problem, instead im just escaping from it. I realized everytime there's a problem, im always escaping from it. But sometimes, it may be the best solution available.

Sometimes i think about the past, and i feel that it was so much better.
Few years ago, when i was back in secondary school, everything was so much simpler, happy was just defined as happy and sad was just defined as sad.
Things arent as complicated.
Since people are trying to help me, maybe its time for me to do something for them and myself...
I hope it helps....



一个人，久了也会累
哭了总希望有人安慰
但是，有时候要找个听你说话的人很难
而有时候想把心里的话说出来却更难

Last week of school! :D

Hi people, this week is gonna be my last week of school.
The next week will be revision week, still have to come back for one or two presentations i think.
Well, most of my projects are cleared, im left with the last 2 presentations and everything will be over! (For this sem)
I have 2 tests on my revision week, which is the week after this, idk how am i gonna study coz apparently there isnt much time. Its quite ridiculous coz the test is on our revision week, just right after we cleared all our projects.
Well anw, i guess this coming week shall be a better one, im really damn damn tired for the past few weeks. Because i had to sleep late, because i had to worry about my projects, because i am so stress, i get mood swings so damn easily for the past few weeks, i seemed so restless everyday. And now that its gonna be all over soon, i hope everything's gonna go back to normal.
Anw, I went drinking with my friends for the past two days. But well, we didnt go to any bars, we were just sitting somewhere randomly getting cans of beer. Anw, dont worry, i didnt turn into a rebellous girl or something.
Its just that other people told me, and i realized it myself too, when i drink, i tend to be a lot more high, a lot happier, and i talk so much more than normal. Its much much much better than the emo me. They said i seemed more cheerful this few days and more crazy in fact. Hmmm maybe true? I cant totally not have mood swing, but at least, they dont see so much of my emo side recently. And dont get me wrong, i wont end up being a drunkard drinking everyday though. I shall just assume that i was over-stressed for the past few weeks, and probably, i wouldnt be so emo after this week?
Well of course, when i drink, i definitely wont get myself drunk, although everyone said i am, but i know clearly im not. So dont worry, i wont over-drink or something. I just wanted some form of celebration since all the projects are kind of over? But anw, its quite a good bonding session with all of them. Got to know the juniors a little better, and got a bit closer with them, which is a good thing.
And anw, next week there wont be trainings until exams ended, so i'll be much more free.
Hmm anw this few days, im just thinking about something which i cant make a decision.
I think i did mention in my previous post, i didnt get my rws scholarship. So well, now im actually considering whether i should go over to usa for my 6 months itp.
I would like to go for the experience, but see, its 6 months. I feel that im gonna lose out so much within this 6 months. Which is why im struggling to make a decision. So anyone, please give me some advice, should i or should i not?
Hmmm well if i decided to, i would need to save up, coz its actually quite a lot though there's subsidy by sp.
So im actually thinking of working this holiday, any lobang people?
And i havent been shopping for really long, need some money for shopping. Not v broke recently though coz previous few weeks didnt really go out and manage to save a little.
Well anw, that will be all for now, gonna update again sometime after my test or something.
Wish me luck for my revision! :D

No more, lets not be selfish

I shouldnt be asking for more,
you've done much more than what you're suppose to.
In fact, there's no need for you to help me with all these, i know.
No obligations, but you still tried to.
So over here, i shouldnt be so selfish anymore

Today was a bad and good day.

Today(Yesterday, since after 12) was a bad and good day.
Bad, i started with such a moody day, everything was in a mess, i was in school, i walked away alone, sat at a staircase in the middle of nowhere, and was blogging with my phone, trying to type out all the unhappiness i had.
Apparently just before i wanted to post it, idk what happen, i just didnt manage to post it. Well, im not gonna retype everything out since its all over.
But whatever it is, i was just saying i hate to do some things, and yet im always doing them. Humans are such complicating creatures, and sometimes we dont really understand what we want.
Anw, this week has been quite a terrible week for me, im so tired from projects, i've received a heartbreaking news. Idk if heartbreaking is the right word to be used, maybe its a little exaggerating, but well, it was kind of heartbreaking when i received it.
So u are gonna ask, what is it right? Fine, i'll say, i didnt manage to get the rws scholarship, the third scholarship which i've applied.
Maybe its not a big deal, yeah in fact this time round, i wasnt really keen on taking it up, coz i kinda decided i wanted to go to disney for itp.
But it was such a disappointment, 3 times, all failed.
To me, it just shows how useless i am. Its a disappointment to know that u didnt even stand a chance. When others can get it so easily, why not me?
Well, but i understand whats over is over, and anw just for your info, thats not the thing which affects my day.
Its basically coz of projects, and this time round, more reasons to it.
Its a good day, coz at least, i felt that some ppl were around to help me.
I know, perhaps its quite limited to what they can do, but they did try. I was feeling so down all along, and they did cheer me up, in some way or another.
I appreciated it, and thank you people.
I just hope next week gonna be over soon, im already anticipating the week to be a horrible one, really.

A hectic week.

Just a short update and i'll go to bed.
This week/ weeks gonna be hell for me.
I've got my last 2 major projects to do, and after that, i guess i'll feel much more relieve.
Well, there are still some other projects, but those arent that difficult to do, i think i can still manage.
But for this week, i definitely have to rush like mad, i've got one project due on wed, and still rushing to finish. Another one due next mon, but i've to finish up my wed first before i can start rushing for the mon one.
Not that i wanna do things last minute, in fact i never like to do last minute work.
But i was really busy the week before coz i had to go for a cheerleading workshop and my whole weekend was taken up. And i also had quite a few trainings coz we had to prepare for an upcoming performance this wed.
Yeap, the past few weeks and definitely, the next few weeks, are really crazy.
I hope everything's gonna be over soon, once over, i'll have to start preparing for tests/exams and all those things.
Well, i hope all our efforts wouldnt be wasted, especially in doing all these projects. Coz basically, i've got back a few papers of mine, well i did get an A, but it was because the lecturers were all being so lenient, they said our results were bad, and if they werent lenient when marking, all of us will do so badly. So i hope at least these projects gonna help me pull up my grades, hopefully it wont make it worse.
Yup thats about it, i'll blog again when im free, goodnight! :D

Is it time?

I dont know why im always like this, i want to change, i know i need to change, but i just cant change.
I hate myself for being like this, i dont want to be like this, but what can i do?
Whats the point of helping me when i just wont get anywhere further?
Whats the point of not giving up on me when im always disappointing others?
I know, i've heard every single word others tell me, but i cant do it.
Its not as if i dont understand, not as if it doesnt makes sense to me, but i just cant do it.
Its always easier said than done, you tell people to do something, thinking it was so easy, but no, the person doing it wont find it easy at all.
Im so tired and sick of these repeated problems, and always, i've thought i got over it, or can get over it, but till now, i still find that i cant.
Perhaps some things in life, you can never change, never.
Just like my personality, my mentality towards everything. For those who know me long, do u ppl actually know that i always have a very negative mentality when i do things. Perhaps in the past not so much, but as i've met with more setbacks, i've became more and more negative when it comes to viewing things around me.
I know i shouldnt, but i cant change it. And perhaps, some things, no matter how much effort i've put in, how much i've tried, it doesnt change anything.
I should have told myself not to put any hopes, because i should have known, no one can understand how i feel.
Yes, perhaps u ppl tried to talk to me, and maybe i did, but no, none of u understands.
And i should have known, no one would believe me.
I should have known all these..... And i stupidly thought that by saying some things out, it would make a difference, someone would at least understands and tries to help me.
Yes, i know u tried to help, but u still dont understand how i feel, do you?
I've got many htht this few weeks, whenever im feeling down. Yes, i know whatever others told me makes sense, i know they are trying to help, but i just cant get it into my brain. In fact, those words you people said, i can tell myself the same thing too, but i just cant change.
Im really sick of all these, whenever im feeling so terrible, i'll cry and cry and have all sorts of thoughts running through my mind, i'll feel like a loser, feel like giving up and everything.
But once i've cried finish, after a little while, i'll get back to my normal self, get over those thoughts. But sooner or later, i'll have those problems coming back to me, cry, get over it, then cry, and then get over it.
I mean when is it gonna stop? Do i really have to carry on like this?
Is giving up really my only choice? But i dont want to have any regrets, im afraid of making decisions, because i always made the wrong ones....
And i really hate myself for these, why am i so damn fickle minded? Why do i treat failures so easily? Why cant i manage stress well? Why am i so weak? Why do i have such low confidence with myself? Why am i so pessimistic? WHY WHY WHY?
I've got a homework or assignment, whatever u call that, something which im told to do, but i feel that i can never get it done.
Im needed to write down a few things which i love about myself, and a few things which i hate about myself. A few things which i think i am good at, and a few things which i think im not doing well at.
Seriously, what i hate about myself, and what im not doing well at, i've got a whole list. But i cant complete the part which says what i love about myself, and what im good at.
I think i can never complete this homework of mine. Never. I've spend about one whole week thinking about it, but yet to thought of any.
I know im such a disappointment, which is why, i dont really blame others. Because i know im the one who disappoints them right from the start.
Im fine now, i've wiped my tears and im in my normal self while typing this.
But i know soon enough, i'll end up crying over the same old problems.
Im sorry, really sorry. I know sorry doesnt mean anything if i dont prove to you that im really apologetic, but thats the only thing i can say.
Perhaps its time for a break, and this time round, i really need to give it a serious thought.
Just want to finish all my damn projects, get all these burdens off, maybe by that time, i'll be calm enough to sort out my thinking.

Three words, i always hear them.

Firstly before i start on anything, just a warning, this post is full of my ranting, grumbling and everything else. Skip it if u are sick and tired of seeing all these from my blog, yeah i've warned you ppl, so dont read it if u hate to see all these coming from me.
I hate life, hate it for being so freaking hell unfair.
HATE HATE HATE.
NO I MEAN I HATE MY LIFE.
I dont understand, why some ppl can be so lucky, they were granted everything, really everything. No efforts, have results. No one criticizes them for being lazy, as long as they showed some kind of results at the end of the day.
But ppl like me, freaking hell unlucky, granted nothing, really nothing. Put in efforts, no results. Ppl criticizes for being stupid, dumb, lazy, whatever all sorts of things they have to say.
Yeah this is what i call unfair.
Doing so many things with so little manpower, no matter how much i do, its never enough, coz my stupid brain just cant work out.
And others? A whole lot of manpower helping them, in the end, what have i got? And this is what i call unfair, people thinking for themselves, doesnt spare a thought for others, in the end coz they were so lucky, managed to get away with everything, much lesser efforts compared to me, yet they got so much more.
Simple example, my dip plus, i've got back my results. Totally a disappointment, freaking hell lousy results. Yes, i've expected it, but still, when i saw the marks, you wouldnt be able to understand the kind of disappointment i felt. Studied for it, studied much more than others, in the end, got a freaking hell C for it. Yeah almost a D in fact. Another module, had some kind of debate, did so much research, practise so much for it, and in the end? B for that, wasnt even one of the better ones in my class. Total shit, and seriously, i bet the other papers from my mst are not gonna be any better.
Not just for studies, in many other aspects.
I often asked myself this, why am i doing so much, putting in so much effort, when i didnt even get anything in return, and others didnt even know. I ended up making myself feel so damn disappointed, getting myself so hurt. Yeah true, perhaps u will say, if i put in efforts, i didnt produce good results, and if i didnt put in efforts at all, its gonna be so screwed up for everything. Yeah but at least i can tell myself, i didnt do anything, so when i dont get back anything, there's no disappointment at all.
Tell me how im gonna get my life back on track. Im feeling so fcked up with everything, already im here struggling with work and all other stuff. And still when i think of how unfair life is to me, im really that tired to continue on with everything.
And that day i was doing my project, i was so sick and tired of clearing up all the mess for ppl who are so freaking hell irresponsible, till the extend when i thought, should i just give up? Just be like them, not do anything, and not care about studies anymore, not care about my gpa or whatever shit. Just gonna live life as the way it is.
But can i? I've been complaining how unfair life have been to me, which is why im striving hard, coz i want to see a change. I want everything else to be different in the years to come. And if i've gave up here, what about my future?
You see, coz there's ppl who are so lucky in life, they mess around with mine, created so much trouble for me. But really, im not as lucky as them, those shit they left behind, i've got to clear it for them. Are my efforts recognized? Seen by others? NO.
I dont mind doing things, as long as its worth my efforts. Im not trying to claim any credit, i dont need others to praise me for what i've done. But i just hate it, hate it so much when other people thinks that i've done nothing.
Hate it so much, when people dont trust me. Seriously, i dont enjoy doing all these, you dont like what im doing, think im not capable, tell me straight in my face, i'll stop doing everything. Im not trying to blame you here, but its an insult to me, by just letting others do what im supposed to, i mean what are you trying to say? Im incapable? Or im irresponsible? Yeah i admit, perhaps im more stupid as compared to others, perhaps i cant really do a good job. But you cant say i didnt put in my efforts, coz right from the first task i was assigned, i really put in my 100%, if not more. And im starting to think, you said you believe me, really? Or were you just cheering me up, trying to encouraged me? Coz from what i've seen, it doesnt feel as if you believe me, it just feels like i've got no trust from you. Just makes me feel as if im doing such a lousy job you know?
I would say, efforts doesnt guarantee results. You dont reap what you sow.
Yes perhaps in some cases you do, not all. If a person is damn damn stupid, does putting in efforts help? Does it means that person gonna produce a damn good results?
But having said all these, after all my complaints, i know, certain things you ppl would have agreed with me. Life is unfair, fcking unfair. But so what? At the end of it, what ppl tell me was, "Life goes on".
Yes life goes on, no matter how unhappy i am, how much i've got to say, life goes on. Does saying all these actually makes my life fair? Definitely not, but at least, it makes me feel better, much better after all my ranting.
Just that right now, im still feeling so tired, i dont know how i am gonna survive finishing all 4 projects. Anyone understands what im going through?NO, because its not just projects, many many more. But you ppl really dont understand, the stress that im having. Yes i admit, i suck at stress management, i treat failures too seriously, and thats why my life is in such a mess.
I hope this semester's gonna be over soon, i need a thorough break from all these projects, from school. Im considering if i should go to disney in orlando for my third year itp, its gonna be six months in usa, away from singapore. I wasnt quite interested when i was in year one, but suddenly had the interest to. Yeah its gonna be six months, not very long, but not too short either. But perhaps, leaving singapore for a while, putting my studies aside, and just going there for itp and some kind of experience gonna make myself feels better? At least i wont get so stressful there. But well, still considering though, coz i had a scholarship interview with RWS next week, and if i got it, i had to do itp there. So lets see how it goes.
Right now, i just wish i could finish all my projects up, settle things which i've to settle. Thats all, dont want to make life so difficult for myself.
Yeah, i've come to the end of my ranting, im sure ppl reading have got themselves so bored for reading such a long post of all my complaints.
But ppl, im fine, to those who are concerned, i've yet to give up on myself, coz like what i've said, i dont want to ruin my future. But still, i need a htht. Need one badly :( But still, i doubt others can understand what im trying to tell them.
Yeah thats all, im going to bed, still have training tml. (Ps, im damn tired, i had 5 trainings this week, really tired, got a very big bruise on my knee from training too)
Okay going to bed soon, goodnight and bye.