I dont know how to put my feelings to words. In fact most of the time, i cant describe out my feelings when i have to talk to someone. How i wish there is this person, who will understand me so well without me having to say everything out. It ended, today. Initially i have not made up my mind, but after today, i did.
That feeling, how do i describe? Being in a place where u dont feel like doing anything, feeling so awkward, so uneasy, finding all ways to avoid, feeling like you are not yourself. Trust me, this isnt me, im not like that. I shouldnt force myself to do things which im not comfortable of doing.
Struggling through for the past few months, feeling so lost, having to suck it up everytime i failed, its kind of a misery. This isnt what it used to be, and its not something i wanted. Today, it ended. I hope i will be better.
Can you understand me? I just realized that they are not exactly similar to my case, and people whom i've told my story to, do you understand?
Maybe not, coz i dont really understand what im thinking either. Many people asked me why im doing this, why should i continue to let myself suffer, i said i dont know, i dont know whats holding me back. I just felt like i cant do this, i cant make up my mind. Why? I seriously dont know.
Maybe, maybe everyone is different. What others are feeling may not be exactly what im feeling. But i guess this is the right choice, things will change for the better right?
Its the last day of 2011. Let me just sum up this whole year. I guess this is one of the most shitty year i've had. The struggles i've been through is enough to kill me. But yes, like what i've said, i had been through it, so maybe its a good thing? I've become much stronger than the past.
There are many ups and downs, perhaps more downs than ups. And when i said downs, its really really downs. First time i cried in the lecture hall, first time i laid down on the floor crying just to prevent others from seeing me, first time i cried in the toilet for so long till i've got such bad headache and cant walk off on my own, first time..... There's so many of such first time. But its also the first time when i cried so badly and i can call someone who listened to me cried all the while on the phone, first time people having htht with me when i drank, first time people said those v caring words to me. First time i took over my cca as a vp, and first time i failed my role as a vp. First time i went overseas for a leadership camp, first time i challenged myself to do so much i thought i couldnt. But afterall, its all over. I wish to rmb all the good things that happen, and the bad memories, i want to forget it all.
I dont want to bring all the bad memories to 2012, i want to let it start off as a good year. I believe next year its gonna be better, because i've learnt so much from 2011, and definitely, i will be stronger, i will face all the tough challenges, and i'll overcome it.
Lets look forward to a better year ahead. And for today, we shall all end off our last day of 2011 well!
Alright its 2.15am, i need to sleep soon coz i still have work tml. Oh and on 1st jan too!
Goodbye people! :D
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