Firstly before i start on anything, just a warning, this post is full of my ranting, grumbling and everything else. Skip it if u are sick and tired of seeing all these from my blog, yeah i've warned you ppl, so dont read it if u hate to see all these coming from me.
I hate life, hate it for being so freaking hell unfair.
HATE HATE HATE.
NO I MEAN I HATE MY LIFE.
I dont understand, why some ppl can be so lucky, they were granted everything, really everything. No efforts, have results. No one criticizes them for being lazy, as long as they showed some kind of results at the end of the day.
But ppl like me, freaking hell unlucky, granted nothing, really nothing. Put in efforts, no results. Ppl criticizes for being stupid, dumb, lazy, whatever all sorts of things they have to say.
Yeah this is what i call unfair.
Doing so many things with so little manpower, no matter how much i do, its never enough, coz my stupid brain just cant work out.
And others? A whole lot of manpower helping them, in the end, what have i got? And this is what i call unfair, people thinking for themselves, doesnt spare a thought for others, in the end coz they were so lucky, managed to get away with everything, much lesser efforts compared to me, yet they got so much more.
Simple example, my dip plus, i've got back my results. Totally a disappointment, freaking hell lousy results. Yes, i've expected it, but still, when i saw the marks, you wouldnt be able to understand the kind of disappointment i felt. Studied for it, studied much more than others, in the end, got a freaking hell C for it. Yeah almost a D in fact. Another module, had some kind of debate, did so much research, practise so much for it, and in the end? B for that, wasnt even one of the better ones in my class. Total shit, and seriously, i bet the other papers from my mst are not gonna be any better.
Not just for studies, in many other aspects.
I often asked myself this, why am i doing so much, putting in so much effort, when i didnt even get anything in return, and others didnt even know. I ended up making myself feel so damn disappointed, getting myself so hurt. Yeah true, perhaps u will say, if i put in efforts, i didnt produce good results, and if i didnt put in efforts at all, its gonna be so screwed up for everything. Yeah but at least i can tell myself, i didnt do anything, so when i dont get back anything, there's no disappointment at all.
Tell me how im gonna get my life back on track. Im feeling so fcked up with everything, already im here struggling with work and all other stuff. And still when i think of how unfair life is to me, im really that tired to continue on with everything.
And that day i was doing my project, i was so sick and tired of clearing up all the mess for ppl who are so freaking hell irresponsible, till the extend when i thought, should i just give up? Just be like them, not do anything, and not care about studies anymore, not care about my gpa or whatever shit. Just gonna live life as the way it is.
But can i? I've been complaining how unfair life have been to me, which is why im striving hard, coz i want to see a change. I want everything else to be different in the years to come. And if i've gave up here, what about my future?
You see, coz there's ppl who are so lucky in life, they mess around with mine, created so much trouble for me. But really, im not as lucky as them, those shit they left behind, i've got to clear it for them. Are my efforts recognized? Seen by others? NO.
I dont mind doing things, as long as its worth my efforts. Im not trying to claim any credit, i dont need others to praise me for what i've done. But i just hate it, hate it so much when other people thinks that i've done nothing.
Hate it so much, when people dont trust me. Seriously, i dont enjoy doing all these, you dont like what im doing, think im not capable, tell me straight in my face, i'll stop doing everything. Im not trying to blame you here, but its an insult to me, by just letting others do what im supposed to, i mean what are you trying to say? Im incapable? Or im irresponsible? Yeah i admit, perhaps im more stupid as compared to others, perhaps i cant really do a good job. But you cant say i didnt put in my efforts, coz right from the first task i was assigned, i really put in my 100%, if not more. And im starting to think, you said you believe me, really? Or were you just cheering me up, trying to encouraged me? Coz from what i've seen, it doesnt feel as if you believe me, it just feels like i've got no trust from you. Just makes me feel as if im doing such a lousy job you know?
I would say, efforts doesnt guarantee results. You dont reap what you sow.
Yes perhaps in some cases you do, not all. If a person is damn damn stupid, does putting in efforts help? Does it means that person gonna produce a damn good results?
But having said all these, after all my complaints, i know, certain things you ppl would have agreed with me. Life is unfair, fcking unfair. But so what? At the end of it, what ppl tell me was, "Life goes on".
Yes life goes on, no matter how unhappy i am, how much i've got to say, life goes on. Does saying all these actually makes my life fair? Definitely not, but at least, it makes me feel better, much better after all my ranting.
Just that right now, im still feeling so tired, i dont know how i am gonna survive finishing all 4 projects. Anyone understands what im going through?NO, because its not just projects, many many more. But you ppl really dont understand, the stress that im having. Yes i admit, i suck at stress management, i treat failures too seriously, and thats why my life is in such a mess.
I hope this semester's gonna be over soon, i need a thorough break from all these projects, from school. Im considering if i should go to disney in orlando for my third year itp, its gonna be six months in usa, away from singapore. I wasnt quite interested when i was in year one, but suddenly had the interest to. Yeah its gonna be six months, not very long, but not too short either. But perhaps, leaving singapore for a while, putting my studies aside, and just going there for itp and some kind of experience gonna make myself feels better? At least i wont get so stressful there. But well, still considering though, coz i had a scholarship interview with RWS next week, and if i got it, i had to do itp there. So lets see how it goes.
Right now, i just wish i could finish all my projects up, settle things which i've to settle. Thats all, dont want to make life so difficult for myself.
Yeah, i've come to the end of my ranting, im sure ppl reading have got themselves so bored for reading such a long post of all my complaints.
But ppl, im fine, to those who are concerned, i've yet to give up on myself, coz like what i've said, i dont want to ruin my future. But still, i need a htht. Need one badly :( But still, i doubt others can understand what im trying to tell them.
Yeah thats all, im going to bed, still have training tml. (Ps, im damn tired, i had 5 trainings this week, really tired, got a very big bruise on my knee from training too)
Okay going to bed soon, goodnight and bye.
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