Times like this.

You know how it feels to be doing something you don't like?
You know how it feels to keep pushing yourself when you're already so tired?
You know how it feels to keep running away from the problem even though you know you shouldnt?
You know how it feels when you see others being so happy but you're not having the same feeling?
You know how it feels when you just wish you could not bother or care about anything but you know you just can't?
Perhaps none of you know how it feels.
I dont know why, it seems like im always making the wrong decisions. If only i have been more persistent, more determined and not so fickle minded, i guess things wouldnt be like this now.
If only i had more courage at that time, things wouldnt be like this now.
I'm so tired trying to cope with all these, and now its only during holidays. What about school reopens? I dont know how to face all these problems...
It is times like this when i really feels so helpless, times like this when i really wished i can just hide in a corner, not care about any things.
But you see, i can't be so selfish. I made the decision, how can i allow others to bear the consequence?
But... the kind of feeling, there's no way you can stop thinking about it.
I'm sorry, i know i wasnt of any help, idk how i can help either.
I wish it wasn't me, perhaps someone else would do a better job.
You know, this seems like an honour, a glory or something, but now, to me, it feels like a burden, something which keep pulling me down.
I don't want to see others getting so tired and trying to help me clear up my mess when i am the one responsible.
But trying to do it myself is really so tiring. You know that kind of tired which i'm refering to? Not as if i had a good sleep tonight and tml i wake up, im gonna be fine. NO. The kind of tiredness, its mentally. Feels as if there's so many things, and they accumulated, so much that i really dont know how to get rid of it.
If i could turn back time, there's so many things i would do, and so many things i wouldn't do.
I guess i owe others too many apologies, and too many thankyou.


If you were here, i would feel so much better.
I dont need you to listen to me, dont need you to know whats going on, i just wish that you are around to talk to me.
But no, you're not. Especially when i needed you the most.