Finally 18!

Hello people, i've just celebrated my 18th birthday yesterday. Yes i finally turned 18 :D
Had a simple birthday celebration, a mini surprise by some gusto friends and thanks to twx for coming all the way to sp to find me.
Well although its a simple birthday celebration, but it doesnt matter to me. Since young, i've never thought of birthday as some really special day, to me, its just a day when you were born. So i dont really need to have big surprises, many presents, or whatever. A simple one will do, and i really appreciated the efforts by my dear friends to make my birthday a happy one. Twx came to sp to have lunch with me, wished my happy birthday, and bought a cake for me. And then in the afternoon, i've got a mini surprise by some gusto friends and received a present and cake from jocelyn, fecilia and sophia. And then at night we went to have buffet. Super fattening day coz i've eaten two chocolate cakes and buffet :(
And on wed kind of have an advance birthday celebration. Well maybe not really celebration, perhaps half outing half celebration alright. Went to watch paranormal activity 3 in the afternoon, went to plaza sing and walked arnd, and went to sing k at night. Thanks to them for spending the day with me. I know i dont appear really happy that day, but yeah i enjoyed my day and am so thankful you guys took the time to come out even though the both of you are so busy. And thanks so much, i've got a really cute pooh that adds on to my pooh collection, now i have 4 poohs on my bed! :DD Super duper cuteeeeee!
I know this few weeks isnt pleasant for me, there's too many unhappy things happening, too much for me to take. Not afraid to say, i've kind of been breaking down in school, and im just feeling really down recently. But i guess i've sorted out my thinking, and also thanks to my dearest friends who have always been there for me, listened to me and everything.
I guess i'll take this birthday as a turning point for me, i've received so many texts from my friends and most of them told me not to emo anymore and be a cheerful girl. I replied to them saying i'll try my very best to, and yes, i will really try my very best to smile, laugh, joke around and be a cheerful girl alright?
So what i just wanna say is, thanks to those people who stood by me and celebrated my 18th birthday with me. Really appreciate everybody's efforts, even to those who wished me on fb, or wished me by texts.

Me with my super cute poohs! Ps, the one they got for me is the left one! hehe :D





Sometimes, you wont really understand how it feels unless you experience it.
Now that i know how it feels, im really sorry towards you. And thankful towards you too.
I think you have been so nice and thoughtful, just that i didnt realized.
I was too self-centered and only thought about myself.
And for now, i just hope we are back to friends. Any mistakes i've made, i apologized coz i guess im still like a little girl and am still having an immatured mindset.
So, since i've sorted out my thinking, im actually feeling much better.

First week of school :((

Hellos, as you can see, im not excited at all.
My first week of school was a disaster seriously.
Okay, firstly, my timetable is like a total mess and idk if i have mentioned this before. I've got 3 days of 8am lesson. 4 days with 3 hr consecutive break. Ends school at pretty late everyday :(
Alright and seriously, my first week of school, i totally cant concentrate at all. Yeah something happened, but thats not exactly what thats affecting me. I guess im too used to working, you know working makes you feel like an adult right. Too used to the kind of life, working, slacking, going out, having fun. And now that im back to school, im like being treated like kid, well maybe not exactly a kid, but a student and it just feels so different as working.
I get so sick of school, everytime i try to listen in lectures, my mind get drifted away somewhere else. Wts, i've got a really bad feeling abt this sem!
This sem is so different from previous sem seriously. Last time even though i didnt wish for school reopens, i'll still buck up and adapt back to school life after a few days or so. Apparently its a week and im still in holiday mood. I feel that i am happier when im working you know.
And this sem, im so unlucky. Sighhh shouldnt mention about it.
Im thinking of whether i should drop my dip plus or not coz apparently this sem, my lecturer is from china, sorry not discriminating people from china. Its just that i find it a little hard to understand what he's teaching. My first dip plus lesson for this sem, and im already struggling with it. I heard that if i actually get a C for dip plus, the cert is as good as nothing. I got an A for first sem, B for second sem, and for this sem, i've got a really bad feeling. You see, im already busy enough for this sem, i dont really wish to waste my time if i know i really cant cope with it. Perhaps i'll try for a few more weeks and see how it goes :X
Yup thats pretty much about it for this week. I hope i can quickly adapt back to school life, i havent been listening in lectures, sigh im so gonna die! :(

if only.

If this is a dream, I want to wake up fast.
In the past, I won't want to wake up, I would want to stay in my dreams forever.
But its like everything has kinda turned into a nightmare for me.
Do you know I'm struggling inside? I'm struggling to overcome what I'm feeling.
I wish I can tell you about all this, not to gain sympathy or anything.
But, I just wish to talk.
You will never know how it feels. I know, I brought it upon myself.
Its just that up till this point of time, I really don't know what to do, how to react.
Someone tell me, how to continue from here?

Tonight.

I've saved this post as a draft for a day coz i am too lost and confused with my own feelings ytd. I've kind of sorted out my thinking so here i am saying out what i feel. You guys dont really have to know what happen, but its just some kind of problems im facing. But i guess all these are the parts and parcels of life.
Some truths are hard to accept, but its better if you are strong and just accept and face the fact.
I know, i guess everyone knows it. Its just that its always easy to say, but difficult to do.
Sometimes we do know the truth, yet we just avoid it, find excuses.
But does it lead you anywhere? Even if there's no problems now, someday there's gonna be some problems.
Yes, people say we have to fight hard for something you really want. Yet sometimes, it doesnt really applies to everything. I would say, sometimes, just giving up, letting go, may be a better choice though.
I guess you're right, there's too many things that i didnt know.
But this is not your fault. You know, i dont blame, dont hate you at all. Because i know, somehow or somewhere, you still did spare a thought for me. And through all these, i'll somehow grow stronger and learn alot more.
I know im such an indecisive person. I am confused with my own thoughts. I know whats best for me, but i dont want to do it that way.
Actually there's so much more i wanted to say to you. I dont know if you will ever read this, i doubt so but, but, if u really do, keep reading on.

...
Like what i've mentioned, i never hated you/blamed you coz i clearly know u were not in the wrong.
In fact, you did spare a thought for me somehow.
But i wished you could have said it to me. It might not make a difference to what i've heard, but i wanted it to be from you. Though you didnt, im fine with it, i believed you are sparing a thought for me.
Im sorry for being so spoilt, so unreasonable and not thinking in your position. Im sorry for lying, i didnt want to, in fact i hate to lie, but thats my only choice.
I hope you understand me, why im doing all these.
Actually u know, i dont expect anything, i dont need you to do anything.
I dont want to add to your troubles or problems.
I just want you to know, there are certain times when you have to be hard on others in order to really help them. Being too soft might only cause more harm.
I know you dont want to, or dont mean to, but, im not a little girl. You see, im 18 years old, not very very old but yes, old enough to learn.
I hope you will see that i still treat you as a friend, and anytime you really need me, i can be there.
And i guess somehow after going through all these, after a while, i wont be seen by you as a xiao mei mei anymore.
As for now, lets just continue to pretend, pretend as if everything's alright okay?
...

Okay end of it.
Im fine people. Thanks to those who cared and i'll soon get back up.
Tonight, i wish, its the last night for all these emo thoughts.
9 more days, i want to get back up so at least i wont be drowing in those emo thoughts and make my day an emo one.
BYEBYE.
:D I'll start to smile from now.

My last week of holiday :((

Hi people, just some updates for my previous week.
Had training camp over the weekends. You know, having been through this year's training camp, it sort of reminded me of ours last year. How nice would it be if everyone was still around, how nice would it be if all of us could be back to that time. I guess our dear juniors would probably have learn something from the training camp, and i really hope they will remember it hard.
Went somerset with wx for a little shopping, and we went to watch johnny english reborn. Heard that it is a pretty good movie but havent had the time to watch it until mon. Htht a little, and it kinda make me feel better to have someone listening.
Went fareast with ys today and wanted to buy something initially. But end up being empty handed.
Sighhh, dont know whats wrong with me. Recently i havent been able to get anything i want when i go shopping. Not as if i've got no money to spend, just that i cant spot anything i like :(
Oh well, i just wanted to spend some money to pamper myself for working so hard you see.
And plans for tml? Nope, just wants to stay at home and pack my room a little. School's gonna start and i'll have no time for packing.
As for friday, gonna have outing with my ipoh A friends. Well im quite lookng forward to it and i hope it will be a success! Wish that this friendship of ours would last because they are definitely people whom i've had fun with for that 4 days in ipoh.
And for weekends? Working. Im currently working during weekends coz i need to save up for my oitp. I know it will be kinda busy for me when school reopens, but well, i'm not any fortunate kid and definitely have to work towards it myself. But well, i find joy when im working too! At least i've got to learn new things, and i feel happy when i earn the money myself :D
And this is my last week of holiday. Sighhh 6 weeks passed by really fast, i was just telling ys today, i dont wish for school to start. As in, i really got a v reluctant feeling. Im feeling so sick of school. For my 6 weeks of holiday, i had a good enough break. Sometimes i go out with friends, have a nice htht, sometimes i'll go shopping, sometimes go for training, sometimes go for work, i've got an overseas camp which allowed me to make awesome friends, been through a training camp, have enough time to rest at home. And now, i dont even want to start school.
I feel that life at school is so meaningless. Im doing everything over and over again, repeatedly. Monday to friday, lessons, i'll have all the tutorials, projects, then comes weekends, then repeat itself again. I mean im doing the same thing repeatedly, but i dont see the point. Maybe it was because of last sem, when i actually put in so much effort, struggled so much, and i didnt really see results up to my expectation. Im sick of doing all these, im afraid of going back to face all the projects and schoolwork you know?
But no matter what i've said, i know, i've got no choice. Face it, 2 more semesters, hang in there, and for the last sem i'll go for my itp, probably gonna have lots of fun overseas?
Alright, thats pretty much what i want to say, gonna update again someday, dont know when, perhaps when i've got something to say.
So goodbye :)



"If he misses you, he'll call. If he cares, he'll show it. If not, he can't be worth your time because you are obviously not worth his."
I get what it means, but you know, sometimes you understand the situation, yet you don't really want to face the fact and let go. The kind of feeling...

Decision?

So i thought about it, whats my decision?
I guess im really selfish. Just because i want to be happy, i didnt ask about other's feelings. I didnt know, didnt understand.
I made a decision previously, yet i wasn't even firm with it. I didnt even stick to my promise.
But now, you see, if someone is feeling unhappy because of my actions, i should be stopping it right? And whats more, if the person matters to you.
I'm so sorry for being so demanding, unreasonable and insensitive.
Sorry, i'll change.

不值得。。

如果他关心你，他不会让你担心他。
如果他关心你，他不会让你为他伤心。
他明明知道你很想他，却不联络你。
你却一直为他的行为找借口，因为你不想知道事实。
明知道逃避不是办法，明知道不值得，为什么不肯放手呢？


Seriously, i dont understand what you are thinking in your mind.
You're bored, you called me.
You happy, you text me.
You are lazy, you don't reply me.
You know i'm worried, yet you don't bother explaining.
You know i'm sad, yet you don't bother saying anything.
When you feel like it, you'll call back.
Listen, i'm not a substitue, not your toy.
Not something you want it anytime, you can have it. Dont want it, you can throw aside.
I'm not gonna do it again, never.

Thoughts running through my mind

Any idea what's worth fighting for in life? I mean what's worth working hard for?
Some things can be gone so easily, so what if you fought so hard for it?
Things haven't been going right for me recently. Obviously october isn't a good month.
Its only the start of october and you see, I'm so troubled.
I'm actually blogging with my bb now coz my laptop has been send for repair.
Sighh, how I wish I can go back to ipoh. I know saying this means that I'm trying to run away from reality, trying to avoid the problem. Yeah I am, that's because I don't wish to get hurt, because I don't wish to face disappointments.
Everytime I come back from overseas, I'll wished that I can just stay there and don't come back.
It doesn't matter where I go, but just not here. Life here is so much more stressful, there's so many problems.
I hate it when I get affected by someone's words so easily.
But seriously, its the most irresponsible statement I've heard.
So tell me, what have I done to deserve this?
Do I even have a choice? If I have, I don't wish to choose another path, I will rather not choose any path.
I'll rather not be here.
I have to depend on myself for so many things, its really tiring.
Its funny to know someone whom you are closest with don't even help or understand you, can't even be bothered.
So what? Who else can I trust and depend on? Only myself isn't it?
Yeah indeed. Many times, its not as if I don't want to trust people, its because I don't dare to trust people.
I'm just so tired, tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of guessing. Tired of handling things myself.
I thought all the tough times were over. The storm hasn't end yet.
I was told, there will be a rainbow after the rain, you just have to wait for the storm to end.
But when? How long more?
I don't know, all I know is, I've got to be stronger.
I guess now, I've know what's my priority.
I'm sorry for being selfish. But, I don't want to carry on like this.