Happy birthday to myself!

This post is late, but nvm i've already wished myself on fb lol.
Alright happy birthday to myself, Ng LiJuan aka LJ aka jellyfish!
:DD
You see, time flies, one year, last year, i was still sitting for the o levels!
Okay, i had a great birthday, though its a simple one.
LOL, THEY PLAYED A TRICK ON ME, THEIR SO CALLED SURPRISE, TOTALLY RUINED BY LJH!
Fecilia planned the surprise for me, she told everyone not to wish me, and pretend as if they all forgot abt it.
No apparently they make it too obvious, surely someone will rmb my birthday right?
Yeah, but there were some spoilers, which ruin the surprise.
But nvm, i still love my birthday!
I mean seriously, it has been a long time since i had an actual birthday celebration.


My birthday cake! :D


Thanks gusto! :D and the many more who made my birthday a great one but arent here.


My "card", thanks dougy, lets do a comparison with the one below!


Thanks fecilia!

Thank you people! :D

Whats right, and whats wrong?

Sighhh, i think im dead, super dead.
I cant differentiate between whats right and whats wrong.
I mean, maybe i can, just that my actions doesnt show.
Sometimes, i know, it doesnt get me anywhere if this goes on, but yet, i couldnt stop myself.
I tried hard, but i still cant.
Even if i told myself, its wrong, but i still dont know how to stop it.
Just because of this, i've lost control of everything.
Small little actions can actually hurt me, even though it doesnt mean anything to others.
Just because of this, i actually thought i meant something, just something small to you, but apparently, i didnt.
So right now, please, no matter what, stop all these.
Im reminding myself, you wont gain anything, any benefits from it.
I guess it will only hurt you at the end.
So, just stop it.

Little moments like this ♥

Alright, the first week of school was over, come on no more slacking girl!
Anyway, had monster camp during the weekends.
Oh my monsters, they are so so so great. If only, if only, i can be a little little bit like them. Arhhhhh.
Alright, but anw, i guess some of you enjoyed the monster camp, but no seriously for me it sucks luh.
Those who benefited from it, congrats. I guess you all have learnt lots of things!
Alright, that day when we ended, we had dinner at vivo.
Haha vivo was great!
We just find a random spot, sat down and have our dinner. Its BK day.
Alright, then we took photos, did stunts, got a cake for samuel...
Then, oh yah, the mrt game!!!
Hahaha that was super fun, and ouch, super painful too!
Hate Tai seng, buangkok, si mei and the other one i forgot.
Lol, especially tai seng, damn painful!!!!
But its fun, coz i get to hit them back.
My hand and legs were both so red, yeah and we just sat down, played till about 10 i think, and we left home.
Ohhh there's something so dumb that happen hahaha.
Wont want to talk about it over here, just in case someone gets offended.
But but but, coz of that, im also quite happy/touched.
Yeah i know you people dont know what im refering to, but nvm, im touched, thats all.
And thanks gusto peeps, you guys are great!
Great at bringing joy to everyone, great at cheering others up!
Hope we'll still have little moments like this, or rather, hope i'll still be able to have it.

Middle of the road, where do i go?

Im stuck, in between two choices.
Im really tired of all these.
All these while, i've been trying my best, putting in all the effort, so what did i get? Anyone can tell me?
No, nothing at all.
I've only seeing more and more of the negative side, more and more, but anything positive? The only thing is them, my family.
Thats the only thing i dont want to give up.
Its painful to go on like this, not that i dont want. But im really tired. How long can i carry on like this? I keep asking myself the same old question.
And after everything which i've done, what did i get? Is it worth it or not?
Seriously, when you know that the pain you felt is much more than the joy, its the time when you know you should stop everything.
Pain in terms of physically and emotionally.
We all got to face reality, sometimes, some things just isnt suitable for you. You just cant get it, no matter how hard you try.
Its true.
Sometimes you know, the simplest thing in life are the most beautiful, they are what made you happy, smile.
Why should things be so complicated, maybe if it doesnt, there wont be so much pain.
But reality is reality, the world is just so competitive.
I really dont know what to do, how to do.
I just want to cry my heart out.
Im sorry to everyone i've neglected.
Im sorry to myself.
Im sorry to all of you, if i ever disappointed you all in saying all these, ever made you all worried about me.
All of you are my family, for now, and forever.

So how far can i go?

Life's as usual.
Its so dull, so bored.
Sighh third day of sem 2, bored ttm! My modules this sem is like freaking boring i guess!
I havent been listening in tutorials, lectures.
Alright this week tutorial doesnt have anything much, just introduction i guess.
And i've been sleeping in tutorials? OMG i think im still in holiday mood! WAKE UP LIJUAN!!!!!
SIGHHHH, okayokay, i'll promise myself that i'll be all ready by next week, just give me one more week to switch to the right mood please!
Alright, and hopefully when the woman's cheer run end next week, i'll be much much better, seriously, im tired of all this. And comeon, it's just like what? the first freaking week of sem 2?
And speaking of woman's cheer run, our group just did the tshirt today. HOORAY ZOOM!!!!! WE FINISHED THE COSTUME TODAY! At first when we tried the first shirt, we were so cautious, trying to do it so perfectly, yeah indeed, it turns out so nice.
But after a few, we all damn sian, everything just anyhow do, haha we're such a lazy group. but nvm, with the two brilliant and awesome group leaders, we sure win lahh! Haha just jk, im not so thick skinned.
But im so proud of us, we completed everything today, including the writeup which i did, just that ducky have to edit a little i think!
Alright, anw i've been injuring myself recently, due to the extensive trainings we had!!!
Firstly, my thigh, omg my poor thigh, i think i've been overstretching recently. Last week i tried to do heel stretch, i pulled it up all the way and suddenly it was damn freaking pain, i think i tear my muscle.
Then the next day, or two days later, there's gymnast, and i had to stretch like mad, so it kinda worsen?
After one week it got better but not fully recovered, and there's gymnast today and again, i stretch like mad, and it hurts so much, just by walking.
Secondly, my wrist.
My wrist was injured previously, few months ago, but after the few weeks without training, it recovered.
And now, with so many trainings, it hurts again, coz i dont know how to lock it well.
Lastly, my ankle. We're starting to do tumblings for gymnast, and sometimes when i didnt land well, it had some impact of my ankle and it hurts.
Wth, all the old injuries are back again.
Sighh, with all these, the monster camp on fri how?
And with all this, how far can i go? how long can i endure?
Seriously, i dont think this can get me anywhere....

A new beginning,

Goodbye holidays, welcome school. Although i really dont want holidays to end ):
Sighhh why cant i have an extra week of holiday just like np students do?
Holidays is boring, but i rather slack than sitting in LT, listening to boring lectures )):
But nvm, i'll look on the bright side, perhaps the modules this sem would be much much more interesting? Though it doesnt seem so to me...
Arrrhh whatever, anw time flies, one sem would be over really soon.
I'll just have to endure through it, like how i did for last sem, actually it wasnt that bad afterall.
Alright, i really hate my timetable anw.
Especially friday, omg why are they always doing this to us?
Cant we end school earlier on friday, so that at least, we can go out?
I dont mind starting early, but at least end it early.
Sighhh nvm, just bear with it for one sem. Oh ya and for dip plus, i tht i can choose the timetable, i actually wanted it on tue, coz my lesson end at 6, just nice i can continue with dip plus.
But they actually planned it for me, and put it on thu, so the thing is i end lesson at 6 on tue, and have to rush to training straight!
Sighhhhh i dont like my timetable!!!!
I shouldnt grumble so much, i cant do anything about it.
Alright, first day of school for my second sem, it'll be good right? I hope this whole sem will be great. This week will be a busy week though its the first week, coz of the cheer competition.
Have to get everything done before camp. Sighhh im gonna have 6 days of training this week, 6 days you know?!
No, sorry 5 for me coz i have dip plus on thu, and from now on, i wont be able to join in training on thu, sorry guys.
Yeah 5 trainings, tue, wed gymnast, fri camp to sun.
Goodluck to me, and everyone else!

We are all different,

It has been so long since i came back from cruise. But i still miss cruise sooooooooo much, no maybe not cruise, i just miss that kind of feeling. I miss the sea, when im there, i love looking at the sea, looking at how fast or how slow the ship travels, looking at the waves. It just makes me feel so relax, no problems at all. Idk if you understand what im saying, my point is, i just love the feeling because it just feels that you are away from the world, you dont feel how stressful life is....
I know i've been repeating this over and over again, but i really miss cruise, if i have a choice, i would want to stay there, thats the kind of life i want, i mean not just by slacking and enjoying myself, but its the kind of carefree life that i want, when suddenly you just feel that the pace of life is much slower...

Back here, so many problems. The moment school reopens, it will be so tiring. I know, there's no way i can avoid this, i cant possibly drop out from school right? But seriously, its really stressful. There's gonna be 4 days of training per week, its confirm, the saturday training will be permanent.
I really dont know how long i can hang on. Its not that i dontwant, but sometimes im really tired by all these... Im just afraid that all my efforts will be wasted. There's a limit to everything, i havent reach my limit yet, but i dont know where's it, probably reaching soon.
I just dont know if its worth it for me to do all these, probably, when i really cant find any reason to stay on, thats when everything will come to an end. But now, no i dont want to end it. Sighh... its really troubling me.
And anw, my ankle hurts, i think its not fully recovered after so long, maybe that time when i twisted it, the injury is quite serious.
And my wrist, starts to hurt again, there's still training this coming saturday, sighh, how is it going to recover like that?
Cheer competition, lots of things to do, all by this coming week, how am i gonna rush out all these?
Especially so when we dont really have any ideas contributed, so many things, i've still got project and the dateline is on the first day of school.
Hang on there, until you really cant.

What's ahead?

Hmm, this is my last week of holiday, time flies right?
When school reopens, its gonna be the 2nd sem, the workload and everything is gonna be heavier right?
Okay, i've just chose my gems, for those who dont know what is gems, its actually general elective module.
In sp, we just have to choose for every sem, another module which is not part of our diploma.
Hmm, and the thing is, they have three different clusters, and for every sem, we have to choose from a different cluster.
Yeap, so this is my first time choosing gems, then at first i really dont know what to choose, thr's so many modules, you dont know which one is easy, which one you like.
Then i narrowed it down to calendar and astronomy, which im interested in, and love and relations, which many ppl said its slack.
And in the end, i got into love and relations, coz initially, i wanted astronomy, but there's no more availability for the timeslot i wanted.
Yeah, so finally something off my mind, i've been thinking abt it whole night since yesterday and i just cant make up my mind.
Yupp so, anw, i just feel that sem 2 will be much more stress for me i guess?
I heard that after sch reopen, thr's still gonna be training on saturday, at first its hols now, thats why we have training on sat.
But if its still gonna be like that even after sch reopens, then cheer will really take up lots of my time.
4 trainings in a week, including gymnast.
Sighhh im not a superwoman seriously, if its hols, i still can, but when school reopens, when i need time to revise my work, do tutorials, how am i gonna manage my time.
Moreover, i've accepted the diploma plus, its gonna be really stressful right?
Sighh.. but i'll try, try my best to manage my time though.
If i dont try, how would i know i cant right? Its not worth giving up for dip plus coz of cheer, and its not worth giving up cheer coz of dip plus.
So, im just gonna try for both, unless i really cant.
But i shouldnt underestimate myself, maybe i can yeah.
JIAYOU!

There's a limit to everything...

This week is so tiring, filled with training, training and training...
Had training on tuesday and thursaday, ran 2.4 on thursday which was part of our napfa, omg i tink that was the fastest timing i ever got, i really tried my best okay, though it may not be good enough for some people, but yeah, whatever, at least i've reach the target set.
Today was a long day of training, from 9 to 4, yeah supposedly i thought it would be crazy to train like that, yeah but no, time passed quite fast, and to think of it, we had like 11 hrs of training for one of the days during training camp, so actually, this is nothing compared to that.
Okay after training with out with hp, that crazy girl, omg she is so super crazy, she made me take a bus from dover to imm, and when i reach thr, she said we can leave, and we head over to town. Wth? she made me travel there for nothing?
And and and she made me spend so much, on food! Wth, this crazy girl, still as crazy as before.
Alright, and anw, for today's training, sighhh though time passed quite fast, but its quite tiring. Why? Coz i base today, i couldnt fly coz of my knee injury, so i asked to be base, but i think i didnt try it for really long, omg, really feel that i've got no strength ):
Partner stunt and group stunt all cmi....
My wrist hurts alot now coz i didnt lock it well... Oh gosh, that time i injured it, and it took quite long to fully recover, sigh...
And my ankle, i tink i accidentally twisted to a side, and its a little painful..
Okay, so the conclusion is, being a base is very tiring, i understand how the guys feel okay, and thats even worse for girl base please.
And being a flyer is very scary, we got so many casualties today ): I hope all of you are fine!
Yeah, so its definitely not easy to be anyone of it, also spotter not easy too, always get hit by flyer! And its v tiring to spot also!
So, its just not easy to be in gusto, endurance level needs to be high, very high.

Yeah okay anw, something random...
I just want to say, i hate plastic faces, plastic smiles.
Dont show it to me, dont give me excuses as explanation.
Dont take things for granted, you'll understand how it feels if u are treated like that.
But seriously, before all these, hide your plastic smile.

Boring life...

I cant believe im just gonna spent my holidays like that.... And seriously, my holidays are going to end soon, like in 10 more days or so?
So what have i done during this holiday? Mostly taken up by cca, then i had the cruise, i guess its the only thing i had enjoyed, and staying at home rotting...
I really want to go out everyday, but i know if im out, i will spent money, obviously right? So i restricting myself to go out, or maybe once in a while....
Sighhh today is a training day again, and i have to go school earlier to do project.
Wth, is this even like a damn holiday?
Oh anw, went for cca on tue, AND I FELL ON THE KNEE, INJURED THE EXACT SAME SPOT!
WTHHHHHH, OMG i think the wound is going to split open again, and if it does, its gonna be the third time i injured my knee...
Please dont, it hurts alot. If this goes on, i guess my wound will never recover... Everytime i fall, it splits open, thats coz the wound hasnt fully healed yet.
So.... i guess no stunting for today? Yeah... no stunting, if i want the wound to heal...
Okay, my holidays are left with about 10 days? Im gonna spent it wisely, i dont care if im spending lots of money, i will have to get out of my house during the hols, oh yeah and i said i want to start baking during this hol, but i didnt bake anything at all......
Can i have a longer holiday please?

Its tiring like this...

Sometimes its kinda disappointing, when you thought you have changed someone, make a difference to them, and you realize that no, you did nothing at all...
Is it so difficult to make up your mind to do something?
And since you decided to do it, why cant just do it well? Why should anyone make a decision to do something, and yet, they get affected by some other things....
Maybe everyone is different, just because i can do it, doesnt mean others can. But im just disappointed, i thought all these things have made some changes, but no, it doesnt help at all.
And its tiring, to keep saying things, doing things to help, when i dont see why i have to do it...
If you like something so much, do you even feel the pain and hardship while doing it?
Do you even think its difficult to accomplish it? Seriously, when you have gone through lots of things, experience lots of difficulties, thats what allow you to grow, learn and change.
And perhaps, they just didnt know, coz they just didnt experience what you did.

No expectations, no disappointment

Blame myself for having such high expectations, i shouldnt have expected anything at all.
Results were out today, quite disappointing.
I didnt do really badly, but it just didnt meet my own expectations.
Im just really disappointed, i've put in so much effort for dbe, is this what i deserve?
Yeah, i've said, this world is unfair, the sad thing is, sometimes you dont reap what you sow.
Putting in effort doesnt always mean that you can get what you want. But what can i do? Whats over is over, i can only work even harder, hoping that my results will be better in the next sem.
But the feeling, when you know that you should deserve something better yet you dont get it, that kind of feeling is really disappointing and discouraging.
Back to those same old posts, if only i am still on cruise, i dont have to face reality, and all these shit problems......
Sighhh, i dontwant to say my results here, but if anyone want to know, i can tell.
I just dontwant to say it in my blog, as if announcing to the whole world.
Anw, i've got nothing to be proud of. One dbe which i had put in so much effort but dont see the results. Another onow which is like character education and by right i shld have done well, but dont see the results too.
Yeah thats pretty bad, in poly its like this. Projects are like this, doesnt mean putting in effort will allow you to get good grades.
Whereas secondary school is like, if you study, mug like mad, u can do well.
Maybe in jc, thats the advantage over poly, except for their pw, the other subjects, if you are really mugging like mad, its still possible to get good grades.
But poly, it all depends on your tutor....
Sighh... at first i told myself, whatever the results are, dont be sad, dont be disappointed as long as i know i have done my very best.
But i cant help feeling sad upon seeing this kind of results, which i thought i would have done better....
Especially dbe, seriously, i've always got headache when i have projects for this module. Nevertheless, i've spend lots of time, effort in it.
But....
And moreover, econs and pacc are not included in this sem's computation of gpa, sighhh...
Let's just hope for the better....

I wish....

I hope i was still in cruise, i know i repeated this many many times.
But seriously, i really hope for that, i hope i will never have to come back, even if it means i have to stay in the ship, be in the sea forever, i dont mind, i mean as long as i have others with me...
Sighh, when i was there, i've got this feeling that im separated from this world, i dont need to care about anything.
After coming back, it feels so different, life becomes so stressful again, its as if you are in a dream, and the dream is so wonderful, but you just woke up and back to reality.
I think i've got so many things to do. I got so many trainings during hols, i got to do my project, i got to settle the cheerleading competition thing.
OMG, i really wish that im still in my so called dream.
Sighhhhh...... tml is sunday, and it has been like a freaking week after leaving for cruise last sunday.
Omg time really flies. Gosshhh, can i just carry on with that kind of carefree life and never have to continue studying, never need to have any worries?
Yeah i know its impossible....
Was talking with the lovely peeps just now about how life is, i know i sounded so materialistic just now, yeah and i know im like money-faced.
I dont know what's got over me, but i just suddenly feel that money is so important, yeah and thats what i told them just now, money is the most important thing on earth, this makes me sound like a damn bitch, as if im trying to cheat others of their money.
I mean i've always felt that money is important, but i didnt think that it is the most important thing.... but somehow, if you can choose between money and a relationship, what would you want?
I dont know, i really dont know, in the past i've had hope in relationship, and believed that most relationships will eventually have a good ending, but no, maybe not anymore.
Im just thinking, why cant life be fair?
Much more fair to everyone?
Why do some people have everything?
And yet some people simply have none.
Why are some people born with a silver spoon, they do not have to do anything for their whole life, yet they still can enjoy life.
Why do some people can always end up with someone with loves them, dotes on them, while some people just have to suffer in a relationship.
Everything is just so unfair, to some people.
Thats the thing about the world, this world is ugly, everything is so superficial. Perhaps thats the reason why i look upon money as such an important thing, coz maybe nothing last forever.
I asked, what thing on earth doesnt need money.
And i got the answer: friends.
But some friends only hang out with you coz you are rich.
And can anyone say that friends will stay by your side forever?
Thats the thing when i have to come back to reality, facing problems which you dont want to face.
If only, if only i can wish...

"Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall.
Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll."

Emo is not a choice, its a kind of feeling.
Dont blame others for being emo, dont blame me, im just saying what i feel.

I dont like to adapt,

Hello, sighh.... im missing cruise so much, missing everything there...
Miss the food, miss my cabin, miss the restaurant, miss the sea, miss the service there, miss the people there........
Sighhh im still imagining myself on the cruise...
Nah back to reality please. I hate to change and adapt, im used to being on the cruise though i only spend 4 days. And now i have to adapt back to this life... sigh... i wanna go back and enjoy life!!!!
Okay whatever, when i have the money to, i'll definitely be back there!
Anyway, i went back to school yesterday for cca, yea back to school, you understand how it feels, when you can enjoy life on cruise, walking around and exploring, then you have to go back to the boring school ):
So i had napfa, and yeah most of the stations was pretty okay.
I PASSED MY FREAKING STANDING BROAD JUMP!!!!
But i keep thinking its a "fake pass". Coz i keep stepping on the line, though i jump over the target, but im not suppose to step on the line.
But in the end coach let me pass, so i keep thinking its a fake pass.
Yeah maybe i shld try again for the retest next week, i want an actual one, a real pass.
Speaking of napfa, let me tell you my schedule next week.
Tue, thu there's training as usual. Then we got additional training on saturday, from morning till afternoon, and we still have gymnast training on sunday night.
Out of 7 days in a week, training took up 4 days, i still need to do a project for the cruise, sigh......
What a boring life this is, i wanna be back on cruise, that kind of carefree life, no worries at all!