Its all over now.

I dont know how to put my feelings to words. In fact most of the time, i cant describe out my feelings when i have to talk to someone. How i wish there is this person, who will understand me so well without me having to say everything out. It ended, today. Initially i have not made up my mind, but after today, i did.
That feeling, how do i describe? Being in a place where u dont feel like doing anything, feeling so awkward, so uneasy, finding all ways to avoid, feeling like you are not yourself. Trust me, this isnt me, im not like that. I shouldnt force myself to do things which im not comfortable of doing.
Struggling through for the past few months, feeling so lost, having to suck it up everytime i failed, its kind of a misery. This isnt what it used to be, and its not something i wanted. Today, it ended. I hope i will be better.
Can you understand me? I just realized that they are not exactly similar to my case, and people whom i've told my story to, do you understand?
Maybe not, coz i dont really understand what im thinking either. Many people asked me why im doing this, why should i continue to let myself suffer, i said i dont know, i dont know whats holding me back. I just felt like i cant do this, i cant make up my mind. Why? I seriously dont know.
Maybe, maybe everyone is different. What others are feeling may not be exactly what im feeling. But i guess this is the right choice, things will change for the better right?

Its the last day of 2011. Let me just sum up this whole year. I guess this is one of the most shitty year i've had. The struggles i've been through is enough to kill me. But yes, like what i've said, i had been through it, so maybe its a good thing? I've become much stronger than the past.
There are many ups and downs, perhaps more downs than ups. And when i said downs, its really really downs. First time i cried in the lecture hall, first time i laid down on the floor crying just to prevent others from seeing me, first time i cried in the toilet for so long till i've got such bad headache and cant walk off on my own, first time..... There's so many of such first time. But its also the first time when i cried so badly and i can call someone who listened to me cried all the while on the phone, first time people having htht with me when i drank, first time people said those v caring words to me. First time i took over my cca as a vp, and first time i failed my role as a vp. First time i went overseas for a leadership camp, first time i challenged myself to do so much i thought i couldnt. But afterall, its all over. I wish to rmb all the good things that happen, and the bad memories, i want to forget it all.
I dont want to bring all the bad memories to 2012, i want to let it start off as a good year. I believe next year its gonna be better, because i've learnt so much from 2011, and definitely, i will be stronger, i will face all the tough challenges, and i'll overcome it.
Lets look forward to a better year ahead. And for today, we shall all end off our last day of 2011 well!
Alright its 2.15am, i need to sleep soon coz i still have work tml. Oh and on 1st jan too!
Goodbye people! :D

I hope you understand.

Hi people, just a short update before i go to bed.
Im actually waiting for my hair to dry up and im so sleepy now. Worked for one whole day today and im seriously tired.
Alright anyway, met up with wx and wj on monday since wj ended his a levels and we all decided to have a meetup. It was also like an advanced birthday celebration for wx. So we went to casa latina, as recommended by me. Hmm for those who didnt heard of it, maybe you will like to try it. Its a mexican restaurant, i actually did a project on it previously, and i thought the food was quite nice so i recommended to them and we went together. Its at waterloo street, just a few mins walk away from bras basah station. And i would say the ambience there is quite nice! (:

The pics were taken at the restaurant btw.

Okay, and last friday, we had a class outing at ecp. Sadly, quite little people came. But well, we all went cycling and took lots of pictures. Now just waiting for sophia to upload the pics hehe! :D
I think going to ecp is pretty nice when you are feeling down. I was rather moody that day. I guess going to the beach, or just standing by at the jetty, looking at the waters, perhaps it will make you feel much better. Yeah, though i didnt went to the beach that day.

Well and anyway, i've spend lots of time thinking and thinking. Though im still uncertain about it, but i guess i've more or less made up my mind. I realized i've always been avoiding and avoiding the problem, thinking that so long the problem doesnt affects me for now, its fine. But you see, even if it doesnt affects me for now, sooner or later it will. And it seems like i've always been going in circles, coming back to the same problem over and over again. You see, if i dont walk out of this circle, there's never gonna be an ending, i'll always return to the same point. So, i kinda decided on what i should do, and i just hope others would understand why. I dont really expect everyone to be able to understand, but at least, that few whom i always depend on.

That will be all, i dont want to start the emo story all over again.
Going out with ys tml hehe, i'll update again soon ;D
Bye!

For myself?

Today was a bad day. Really it was. No maybe i should say, it started out as a good day, but it was spoilt, it ended off so bad.
Do you ever know how it feels when no one believe you? They doubt your words, your character, your actions. So afterall that i've done, this is what i deserve?
Thanks seriously.
Whats wrong with my life seriously. People have been coming in and out, and they done so much hurt to me, affecting me so much. Do you ever see the pain in me? No, because im too good at pretending right?
I tried to put up a strong front, coz i told myself you will get over this. Indeed, it got so much better. I've walked out of those shit, the shitty life, im feeling so much better, why must you push me back?
And those times when i hid in my blanket crying silently, when i walked home with my eyes red, who saw? Those times when i struggled to get my feets up, those times when i never want to gave up, who saw?
I dont know if there's anyone trying to understand me, believe me. But i just know, the feeling of being misunderstood, the feeling of people accusing you, it sucks.
Is it fair to me for others to judge me like this? They are not me, how would they know what i've been through, what i've done. Is it even fair to me?
I dont see a point explaining, if you are someone who trusts me, someone close to me, would i even need to explain myself? You wont even ask for my explanation right? On the other hand, if you dont even trust me right from the start, no matter how much i say, you arent gonna believe me at all.
Thanks so much, im not being sarcastic here, im really thanking you. You put me right infront of reality and im force to accept the facts, and thanks to all these, i've finally know what i should do.
I dont blame you, not at all, coz i know, you meant well.
And a word of advice, dont ever do something that you like. If you are, make sure you are doing it well. If you are not, change to do something which you can do well instead.

我现在知道了，我没有资格。
从今天开始，我不会再对不起自己了。
我应该为我自己多着想，其他的事，可能就没那么重要了。

MST OVER! :D

My mst week is over, and i've cleared all my papers. I cant believe how fast time has past and look, its already decemeber, its my holidays now and soon, it will be year 2012.
Alright basically, i guess i wont really do very well for my papers this time round. I feel so unprepared this time round. Especially for my dip plus omg, i thought i was quite confident but apparently after the paper, i was really feeling so emo about it coz i kinda know that i'll do quite badly. Okay, if i really fail this time, i guess most likely i'll just drop dip plus, not that i want to give up so easily, but i dont see a point, coz the certificate will be quite useless if i do very badly. Okay, but whats over is over, i dont want to think about it but still, i hope it wont be that bad.

Alright, some pictures here! Went to ecp with sophia the other time, but she didnt have the time to upload the pics and finally here it is. We both cycled that time coz we reach there rather late and there isnt much time left. I love to go cycling/skating at parks. Okay my class outing next week is at ecp, gonna go back there and this time round, i want to skate.

I really love this picture so much!

Maybe it doesnt look very nice from this picture, but we caught the sunset that day and its really nice.

Okay so for this holiday, i've got some upcoming plans ahead. Gonna meet up with some of my secondary school friends that i've not seen for quite some time. Now that they all have finished their A levels, i guess they have lots of free time!
Still working during weekends, i actually got a weekday job, but i back out last minute and told them i wont be working. Its really last min, im suppose to start work tml but i told them today. Feeling really guilty about it, but seriously, im quite confused as to what i need to do. I dont even know anything about the job, i havent even gone for the briefing, and there isnt any instructions given to me. I just dont really like this kind of uncertainty, yeah so decided to tell them that i dont want to. I know this is bad, but sometimes, i dont really want to put others infront of myself, and put myself in a difficult position.
Yeap so now, still trying to find other jobs. Really need to work coz im saving up for my oitp. Its tiring to work and study at the same time, but... i dont really have a choice.

Alright, just asking a question. If you are really caught in a dilemma, what would you do? If you are in this situation whereby you have to force yourself to do something you dont like to, yet its something you should do, would you do it? Im feeling very troubled recently, okay maybe not recently, for quite some time i should say. But somehow i've been avoiding this problem for quite long, but it somehow just came to me that i shouldnt be avoiding it anymore. Im stuck in this situation, but i dont really know what to do. I dont want to force myself to do something i dont like, but yet, i feel that it is something i should do.
Its really something which has been bothering me for quite some time, but i cant seem to find the exact solution to it. I guess there's no "right" solution in this case, but at least a best solution to the problem. Its partly because i've made some sort of mistake in the past, and i dont wish to made the same mistake again. But, would you rather make a decision for yourself or for others?
Sighh, i really wish i can come to a conclusion. Alright, i'll go think about it. I always think a lot a night. I dont know why, but i'll usually feel very emotional at night. Probably because i think alot before i sleep. Its the best time when u can lie on bed, and think about everything. People wont ask you why you are staring into space, what you are thinking about and other related questions. Yeah, so i shall go think about it.
Yup i guess thats all i have. goodbye and goodnight. Its 1.45am i guess i should sleep soon :)