Change

I'm just taking a few mintues of my time to be here to blog about how i feel. I felt kind of terrible today with so much workload now.
My projects are all so screwed up at the moment and i need time, lots and lots of time to settle it. But i definitely know i don't have the luxury of time. Two of my reports are due next week and another two due the following and then one more after that. Datelines are all nearing but i know my projects aren't even up to standards. Gosh, i really don't know what's wrong. I thought we were on the right track, but ended up, we don't even know what direction we were heading towards.
I hate this seriously. I really hate times like this when i feel so helpless. I really wished to do something, but somehow, it feels like whatever i can do is so limited.
I thought i had the best group ever, we were like the best combination. No, i'm not saying anyone of them aren't good. Maybe they all are. I guess the problem lies with me. Such a good group with all the good group members, and it just got screwed up in my hands under my kind of leadership.
I don't know what else to say, i clearly know i haven't been doing enough. But, i really don't know what's enough. I don't know what else can i do to make it enough. I really wanted to do something, but i don't know how.
I seriously hate this kind of feeling. Hate it. There used to be a time when i'm feeling exactly the same. Exactly. And all i can do, is to just let time passsed by and wait till this whole period is over.

And today when i think about some things, i realized i changed. I dont know when i became so bad-tempered. I used to be able to tolerate with things, but i realized, now i blow up over small little things. And i get so impatient. Okay i think poly really changed me. At times like this, i really have lots of regrets coming into poly. The more i think about it, the more regrets i have. Yes poly really changed me. And i don't even know if its in a good or bad way.
Okay, i'm sorry about all the ranting over here. I just feel kind of helpless and i don't know what to do.
I really hate it when there's no one who understands how i feel. Its not just the stress from all the projects, there's more to it. I can't explain, the thing is, when i already feel so stressful and helpless, people don't understand and this is what makes me feel more terrible.
All i ever wanted was for someone to understand what i'm going through. I just need someone to assure me that everything's fine and eventually the whole period will be over.
I'm sorry i've got too many negative thoughts on my mind. I guess i'll get to bed and probably wakes up feeling better tomorrow. Its another long day waiting for me tomorrow. I hope it will be fine.