Maybe it's time..

Heyya!
So i just realized, my last posts was in May. That was pretty long, about 7 months ago. And now, its almost coming to the end of the year.
7 months, yes it has been 7 months. I'm still stuck here, didn't move a single bit.
I guess this little place of mine is still where i can share what i really want to. It kinda becomes a little corner where i can turn to and rant and say all that i want when i'm feeling really down.
Cause sometimes, when you just don't know who to talk to, how you even want to begin your story, perhaps you should begin by talking to yourself, or maybe just in this little space of mine whom i don't know who's reading.
So yeah, its pretty late now, i just got back from work, really tired, but i wanna do a short post.
Haven't been turning to this space for quite a while, cause all along, i thought i could handle it. And maybe, perhaps, i've been handling quite well. Just not too sure what's wrong with me tonight. There's so much negative thoughts in my head.

Sometimes i kinda feel like a joke. 7 months, no maybe not, to be precise i guess i should say 15 months? Even though the truth, the hard truth, lays right in front of me, i just can't seem to get it clear in my head. I don't get it, sometimes i hate myself for holding on to something which can never be mine. Faith? Hope? No. None of that. There's no hope, not even a tiny bit, so why the hell am i still holding on to it? To be honest, i was terribly hurt. I think any girl would be. But I tried not to let it affect me. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean i'm fine. I wasn't. And maybe till now, I'm still not.
I hate myself for being so weak. I hate how you can be so special and so important to me. But to put it simply, i'm just a friend. I hate how i can care so much about you, think about things you did, words you said, and afterall i may not even cross your mind.
I hate how the truth is just right in front of my eyes, yet i blindly tell myself that there's hope as long as i hang on. I hate how i can feel so much about you, but you just don't feel anything towards me.
I hate how i always take everything about you seriously, but you can just brush off everything about me easily.
I hate how long i've been waiting for and how hard i've been trying, but you can just keep on pretending and brushing off things aside.
But no, i don't hate you. I guess i just hate myself, hate my feelings, hate how i can never rise up to who you want.
I'm tired of waiting, really tired.. I know, you never ask me to wait. But, what do i do when i can't let go?
To me, everything about you is important. Everything and anything. Even if it is a tiny little thing, as long as i can help you with it, i wanna make it perfect. And yes, anything you ask me for help, i tried to perfect it, cause i want nothing but the best for you.
And i'm ready, to let go of you if you were to tell me to stop, if you ever were to tell me that you feel burdened, cause i want nothing but the best for you.
You don't, probably never will, know how important you are to me. Probably never will know how much i feel for you. Its a kind of feeling that hold you back from everything. The only time when i can stop thinking is when i'm occupied with matters. So nowadays i keep myself busy by working, at least i can get you off my mind a little.
But yes, thinking back, i still am tired of trying, tired of waiting.
So sorry, just wanna rant. Just wanna say out everything which i probably won't have the chance or courage to say it in front of anyone else.