Tonight is a rather unpleasant night.
I've got alot of thoughts going through my mind..
Its you again, why does it always have to be you?
You know, sometimes i get really really tired of this. I keep going around in circles, its the same kind of thoughts that's going through my mind. It's tiring. It's like no matter how hard i try, i'm never getting out of this shit.
I feel pathetic. Each time i tell myself i'll move on, i have to move on, but i end up not moving a single bit.
It's always easier said than done. I've told myself so many times, it is impossible, impossible and impossible. But no, i just can't move on.
I used to think, foolishly think that, if i wait long enough, if i don't stop trying, one day, you will probably feel something. You are a human, you have feelings, have emotions. So if i don't give up, you will eventually feel something. But apparently, i was wrong? Yes you are a human, yes you have emotions and feelings, just not the right feeling.
How pathetic? Maybe that's what you are feeling in your mind. How pathetic is this girl? Holding on and waiting for something which is impossible.
How sad? Indeed, i know what's right for me, what's the best for me, and what i actually have to do. But i'm not doing it. I keep telling myself, i should give up, i should move on. But what do i do when i just cant? Do you actually know how much i feel for you? Honestly, even I, don't know. All i know is that, i can't just move on, i really can't.
You can brush things aside so easily, you can just ignore me so easily, but i can't. I can't stop observing you, stop paying attention to anything and everything about you.
Do you know how inferior i feel when i'm with you? Because i've tried all means, and you, aren't even moved. I started to wonder, what's wrong with me? Am i really that bad, till the extent that you are just so emotionless when you face me? And till the extent that no matter what i did, how much i tried, its not gonna help? I know, you have your life, the really exciting life of yours. You have so much commitment, so much so that at times, i feel so small, so worthless to you. It's like if one day, i ever disappear from your life, it probably won't make any bit of an impact to you. But what about me?
No one knows this kind of feeling. Its so bad. When you just decided to brush everything aside, have you ever, just for once, think about how i would feel?
And for everything that i did for you, were you ever, just for once, touched or moved? Cause if the answer is yes, i'm contented.
It hurts so much, when you can be that close to everyone else, but so cold to me. I know your intentions, but do you know how it feels?
You know, a part of me really want and hope you will see this, badly. Cause i want you to know, how much you mean to me, how much i feel for you, and how bad i'm feeling right now.
But you know, a part of me really don't want you to see this. I don't want to lose even that little bit of pride.
It's ridiculous, I lose myself in front of you. I'm not like my usual self. I lost my confidence, lost my ability to speak up, i'm just like a different person.
And really, at times like this, i'll just keep thinking, what's wrong with me? Is there anything i can do to make myself better?
You'll never know how it feels.
I should go to bed, sleeping makes me feel better. At least, for that few hours, i don't have to think about you, or anything related to you.
