Going in circles.

Tonight is a rather unpleasant night.
I've got alot of thoughts going through my mind..
Its you again, why does it always have to be you?
You know, sometimes i get really really tired of this. I keep going around in circles, its the same kind of thoughts that's going through my mind. It's tiring. It's like no matter how hard i try, i'm never getting out of this shit.
I feel pathetic. Each time i tell myself i'll move on, i have to move on, but i end up not moving a single bit.
It's always easier said than done. I've told myself so many times, it is impossible, impossible and impossible. But no, i just can't move on.
I used to think, foolishly think that, if i wait long enough, if i don't stop trying, one day, you will probably feel something. You are a human, you have feelings, have emotions. So if i don't give up, you will eventually feel something. But apparently, i was wrong? Yes you are a human, yes you have emotions and feelings, just not the right feeling.
How pathetic? Maybe that's what you are feeling in your mind. How pathetic is this girl? Holding on and waiting for something which is impossible.
How sad? Indeed, i know what's right for me, what's the best for me, and what i actually have to do. But i'm not doing it. I keep telling myself, i should give up, i should move on. But what do i do when i just cant? Do you actually know how much i feel for you? Honestly, even I, don't know. All i know is that, i can't just move on, i really can't.
You can brush things aside so easily, you can just ignore me so easily, but i can't. I can't stop observing you, stop paying attention to anything and everything about you.
Do you know how inferior i feel when i'm with you? Because i've tried all means, and you, aren't even moved. I started to wonder, what's wrong with me? Am i really that bad, till the extent that you are just so emotionless when you face me? And till the extent that no matter what i did, how much i tried, its not gonna help? I know, you have your life, the really exciting life of yours. You have so much commitment, so much so that at times, i feel so small, so worthless to you. It's like if one day, i ever disappear from your life, it probably won't make any bit of an impact to you. But what about me?
No one knows this kind of feeling. Its so bad. When you just decided to brush everything aside, have you ever, just for once, think about how i would feel?
And for everything that i did for you, were you ever, just for once, touched or moved? Cause if the answer is yes, i'm contented.
It hurts so much, when you can be that close to everyone else, but so cold to me. I know your intentions, but do you know how it feels?
You know, a part of me really want and hope you will see this, badly. Cause i want you to know, how much you mean to me, how much i feel for you, and how bad i'm feeling right now.
But you know, a part of me really don't want you to see this. I don't want to lose even that little bit of pride.
It's ridiculous, I lose myself in front of you. I'm not like my usual self. I lost my confidence, lost my ability to speak up, i'm just like a different person.
And really, at times like this, i'll just keep thinking, what's wrong with me? Is there anything i can do to make myself better?
You'll never know how it feels.

I should go to bed, sleeping makes me feel better. At least, for that few hours, i don't have to think about you, or anything related to you.

Page 3 of 365

Hello everyone!
Time is passing way too fast. 2014 is gone and we are in year 2015 now. I know i'm 3 days late but yeah let me just recap on my 2014 alright!
The entire year went passed so fast i didn't even know what was going on. I adapted more to uni life this year. I haven't been really active with all the school activities. In fact, i don't really participate in all those activities except for some og related events.
I made a really big decision to clarify my doubts. Got hurt, fell down, got up on my feet, recovered, got back on track.
Visited hk for the first time, no i dont like hk to be honest. But yes, another country off my list.
Worked with gucci for almost an entire year. Even worked part time on weekends. Yes school's busy, didn't know how i cope with it but i've been through it.
I turned 21, entered into adulthood this year. Didn't do up a birthday party, maybe had a little bit of regrets, but its over. Still thankful for my friends who tried to make it better.
I've lost a lot, but i gain a lot too.
Got back my results just a few days before 2015 ends, and i'm so thankful. Even though there were a bit of disappointment, but there were surprises too. And i shouldn't be so greedy, i should be contented, should be thankful that my hardwork paid off.
So yes, there's the end of 2014.
So here's what i want for 2015.
I wanna be happy, truly happy. Happy for the simplest reason. And i wanna learn how to be contented. I wanna be more positive (which i think i'm getting better at) and i wanna look at life with a different perspective.
Perhaps its because i'm finally 21, its my second semester of my 2nd year in uni. I'm only life with 1.5 years in uni, i'm already in my 20s. I guess there's a lot of things we should be doing in our 20s, this is probably the period of time when we should really do what we wanna do, not care about how people judge you, and yes, just do things that would make you happy.

I'm over with 2014. But for the many things that have happened in that year, i wanna learn from them. Whether its the good, the bad, or anything else, those are part and parcel of my life.
I wanna enjoy my life, but yes studies is still my priority.
I got back on track, but no i'm not over you. Don't know when i will be, but you are still really important to me. And until the day when i feel nothing for you, i'll still wait and i'll still try.
2015, i'll be doing my internship. I guess its kinda an important part of my uni life. I hope i do well, and hopefully it helps in my career.
This year, i wanna cherish and treasure those people whom really matter.
And yes, i wanna continue exploring life, exploring the world. I haven't mention this, but i booked my tix to tw a month ago and i'm gonna be off to tw in 2 days' time. I love tw so much i don't mind going there every year.
Even though i've been there before, but i feel that every time we travel, we get to learn something new.

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page".
Yes, this quote is so meaningful isn't it?
So thank you 2014, and hello 2015, i'm sure you will be good :)