I tried so hard to keep them in, but they just rolled down uncontrollably.
I can't even, can't even cry in front of someone else....
I hate to say this, but it hurt so much...
Please, someone please just tell me how i can stop all these hurt.
I feel like i'm losing myself, i feel like i'm going back to those times, those helpless times.
I can't help it, can't even stop myself from feeling this way.
Tell me what should i do?
May 20, 2014
May 18, 2014
No regrets
I made a decision yesterday.
I told him what i feel.
You know, the moment i send the message over, I was like asking myself, " What the hell did i just do?"
And yeah, of course i cant just take back what i said. But somehow after everything, when i think it through, i think i made the right decision to say everything out. I need an answer, i need to know what to do, i can't just be left like this, without knowing anything.
People who know me know that I'm not someone who speaks to her mind, i'm not someone who says out what i feel. And yes, i always hide my feelings, hide everything and wait for people to ask me whats wrong.
But i thought it through, it doesnt do anyone any good. Especially after i came back from the states, after leaving X, it made me feel that its even more important to do what you want to do, and be who you wanna be with, when you have the time to do so. Don't ever wait till you don't have the time to do so. I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to be left with so many questions in my mind. Yes, i can just keep everything to myself and someday i will happily move on, but i may still have all those "What ifs" in my mind. No i don't want that. Because it happened to me before, i know exactly how it felt, i don't want it to happen again. People whom i cherish, i should make an effort to let them know. And even if it will never work out, at least i've tried. At least i don't need to have all those "What ifs" in my mind. And i know for sure how you feel. That's enough.
I doubt you will ever come across or read this space of mine. But if for some reason you are, please read on.
...
A part of me hopes that you can read this, another part of me don't. I know, by saying everything out, it will make myself feel better. At least in this little space of mine, it is where i can share what i want to.
There are many more things that i want to say but I probably didn't muster enough courage to tell you, or perhaps you won't be interested to hear them out..
You probably didn't know this, but it was really long ago when i first had feelings for you..
I don't even know when exactly it all started, but i guess i just started noticing you after the first few times i met you. You are just... different. And i just don't know when it all begins, when i started paying little attention to what you do. But yeah, after a while, I realized i behaved really awkwardly in front of you, and because we didn't see each other that often, things changed and i didn't feel so much for you. Lucky or unlucky, again things changed, I see you more often, even if i didn't want to, I began to notice about you. But i've been trying so hard, so hard to keep it in. And i don't know how many times i still appeared awkward when i face you. But its okay, i don't think i will be seeing you that often from now on. Just probably... won't have the chance to? But if i do, i won't let this awkwardness remain.
But thank you. Thank you for still being nice until the very last. At least you were not like some jerk who toyed with my feelings, who were so mean to me. You still said nice words (true or untrue it doesn't matter), but thanks for making the effort to at least minimize all the hurt i would feel. But i mentioned, if i were to give up so easily on something, it probably would mean that i never wanted it so badly in the first place. And because i know how much i wanted it, i can't just make myself give up. I need to try. For whatever reason, for myself, i need to make some effort. I dont know if im making a right decision. But this is just me, some people call me stubborn, somehow i call myself determined. If you don't try, you'll never know. So, please forgive me even if you think i should not have. I'll wait, till someday i no longer feel anything for you. I don't know when, maybe soon, maybe not? But at least, i don't want to make you feel bad, i don't want to irritate you, or make you feel uncomfortable, so if that's really what you are feeling, i'll stop. But if it doesnt, for the time being, please just let me wait. Please just at least give me some hope to hold on. And if at least after all these, things just wont work out, i can gladly tell myself i wont ever have regrets. Rest assured, i've learnt a lot all these time, i know when to hold on tight, and when to let go. And if it ever comes a time when i have to let go, i'll truly let go of everything and move on. And at that time, i promise, we'll still be friends. Its not worth it to lose a friendship.
But don't worry, i don't want to pressurize you, i won't do anything that would make you feel bad or what. And at least i hope, the next time i see you, it won't be awkward. Things will be still fine.
...
Elaine
This is it for whatever that happened last night. I'm fine now, really.
Anyway, last night i was just watching this Korean drama, yeah the really popular drama, "You who came from the stars".
And i was just reminded of all those things back then in the states. Of course, the story is totally different. But yeah, I could feel her. And somehow i could understand the entire plot. The feeling of having to leave somewhere, not knowing when or whether you'll ever be back, and the feeling of leaving someone whom you love.
Though its all over now... it still pretty much reminded me of that very last day when i was there. Which is what made me decide to do what i wanna do.
Alright, enough of all these emo thoughts of my mind.
Its holiday, i should enjoying myself, should be having fun rather than thinking about all these things.
Yeah, i'm currently planning for my hk trip. Planning the places the visit, where i wanna stay and stuff. And yes, travelling always makes me so much better. I just love travelling and exploring new places. So, countdown to hk, 16 more days! :)
And for everyone else out there having your holidays, have fun! :)
I told him what i feel.
You know, the moment i send the message over, I was like asking myself, " What the hell did i just do?"
And yeah, of course i cant just take back what i said. But somehow after everything, when i think it through, i think i made the right decision to say everything out. I need an answer, i need to know what to do, i can't just be left like this, without knowing anything.
People who know me know that I'm not someone who speaks to her mind, i'm not someone who says out what i feel. And yes, i always hide my feelings, hide everything and wait for people to ask me whats wrong.
But i thought it through, it doesnt do anyone any good. Especially after i came back from the states, after leaving X, it made me feel that its even more important to do what you want to do, and be who you wanna be with, when you have the time to do so. Don't ever wait till you don't have the time to do so. I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to be left with so many questions in my mind. Yes, i can just keep everything to myself and someday i will happily move on, but i may still have all those "What ifs" in my mind. No i don't want that. Because it happened to me before, i know exactly how it felt, i don't want it to happen again. People whom i cherish, i should make an effort to let them know. And even if it will never work out, at least i've tried. At least i don't need to have all those "What ifs" in my mind. And i know for sure how you feel. That's enough.
I doubt you will ever come across or read this space of mine. But if for some reason you are, please read on.
...
A part of me hopes that you can read this, another part of me don't. I know, by saying everything out, it will make myself feel better. At least in this little space of mine, it is where i can share what i want to.
There are many more things that i want to say but I probably didn't muster enough courage to tell you, or perhaps you won't be interested to hear them out..
You probably didn't know this, but it was really long ago when i first had feelings for you..
I don't even know when exactly it all started, but i guess i just started noticing you after the first few times i met you. You are just... different. And i just don't know when it all begins, when i started paying little attention to what you do. But yeah, after a while, I realized i behaved really awkwardly in front of you, and because we didn't see each other that often, things changed and i didn't feel so much for you. Lucky or unlucky, again things changed, I see you more often, even if i didn't want to, I began to notice about you. But i've been trying so hard, so hard to keep it in. And i don't know how many times i still appeared awkward when i face you. But its okay, i don't think i will be seeing you that often from now on. Just probably... won't have the chance to? But if i do, i won't let this awkwardness remain.
But thank you. Thank you for still being nice until the very last. At least you were not like some jerk who toyed with my feelings, who were so mean to me. You still said nice words (true or untrue it doesn't matter), but thanks for making the effort to at least minimize all the hurt i would feel. But i mentioned, if i were to give up so easily on something, it probably would mean that i never wanted it so badly in the first place. And because i know how much i wanted it, i can't just make myself give up. I need to try. For whatever reason, for myself, i need to make some effort. I dont know if im making a right decision. But this is just me, some people call me stubborn, somehow i call myself determined. If you don't try, you'll never know. So, please forgive me even if you think i should not have. I'll wait, till someday i no longer feel anything for you. I don't know when, maybe soon, maybe not? But at least, i don't want to make you feel bad, i don't want to irritate you, or make you feel uncomfortable, so if that's really what you are feeling, i'll stop. But if it doesnt, for the time being, please just let me wait. Please just at least give me some hope to hold on. And if at least after all these, things just wont work out, i can gladly tell myself i wont ever have regrets. Rest assured, i've learnt a lot all these time, i know when to hold on tight, and when to let go. And if it ever comes a time when i have to let go, i'll truly let go of everything and move on. And at that time, i promise, we'll still be friends. Its not worth it to lose a friendship.
But don't worry, i don't want to pressurize you, i won't do anything that would make you feel bad or what. And at least i hope, the next time i see you, it won't be awkward. Things will be still fine.
...
Elaine
This is it for whatever that happened last night. I'm fine now, really.
Anyway, last night i was just watching this Korean drama, yeah the really popular drama, "You who came from the stars".
And i was just reminded of all those things back then in the states. Of course, the story is totally different. But yeah, I could feel her. And somehow i could understand the entire plot. The feeling of having to leave somewhere, not knowing when or whether you'll ever be back, and the feeling of leaving someone whom you love.
Though its all over now... it still pretty much reminded me of that very last day when i was there. Which is what made me decide to do what i wanna do.
Alright, enough of all these emo thoughts of my mind.
Its holiday, i should enjoying myself, should be having fun rather than thinking about all these things.
Yeah, i'm currently planning for my hk trip. Planning the places the visit, where i wanna stay and stuff. And yes, travelling always makes me so much better. I just love travelling and exploring new places. So, countdown to hk, 16 more days! :)
And for everyone else out there having your holidays, have fun! :)
May 15, 2014
3 months of freedommmmm ~~~~
Hi everybody!!!
This post comes a little late.
My exams ended a week ago. This means that i'm welcoming 3 months of freedom wooohoooooooo!!
You know, actually, i do not need the entire 3 months. I mean, given 3 months of holidays, there is actually nothing much that i can do either.
I'm probably just gonna
1. Work
2. Go on holiday
3. Shopping
4. Catch up with friends
5. Laze around at home
Oh yeah thats the 5 things im gonna do for this whole of 3 months.
1. Work
Very important. Yes i need income for this holiday. I know i'm gonna spend a lot, so of course i need to earn some money. Probably going back to gucci. Its a pretty nice place, the people there are pretty nice too, so why not?
2. Go on holiday
Oh yeah very important too. I love travelling, i miss travelling. This time round, i'm heading to hongkong with my sis and mum. Well, really miss disney, and since its too expensive to go all the way back to florida for disney world, so i'll for a cheaper and nearer alternative, hongkong disneyland! Its still disney, so i'm not gonna be picky about this. And anyway, i want to cover all the disney parks in the whole world. So yeah, i visited disneyland in California, visited disney world in florida. Next stop, disneyland hongkong.
And yeah, maybe i'll also be going for a short getaway to batam in one of the resorts. I know people tell me that there is not much to do in Batam. But still, i like to just visit one of the nice resorts there, get a message, probably walk around and explore a little, have a seafood feast there and yup, this is pretty nice too!
I mean nowadays they have all the Groupon deals which are so cheap (even though i heard many negative comments about Groupon), but yeah i think no harm trying since some of them are really cheap and seems to be rather worth it!
3. Shopping
Oh yeah shopping. This is a must. I always think that my wardrobe is so empty, always have troubles deciding what to wear. This just means that i need more clothes. LOL i think this is what every woman feel. Yup and shoes too! Bags, wallets, etc.
Oh and i'm thinking of getting a new laptop. I mean my current one, i've been using for about 4 years, it always gives me so many problems. Oh and its really slow and heavy, so its kinda inconvenient when i have to bring it to school for projects.
Thinking of getting a Mac. Maybe MacBook Air. But i've never used a Mac in my entire life before. So should I?
4. Catch up with friends
Oh yes this is a must. Have been so busy with schoolwork and trying to adapt to uni life. So i should be cataching with those friends whom i haven't seen for ages. Really wanna go for cafe hopping with some of these lovelies.
5. Laze around at home
Oh yeah, when u have nothing to do, nowhere to go, this is the best option. Just laze around at home, watching some of my favourite dramas, do some manicure, put on some mask.
Oh and another thing, i'm thinking of doing a 21st party. Still deciding if i should, i know i'll probably need to spend quite a bit if i do, just not sure if its worth it for one night. My friends have been telling me that you will only be 21 for once, like this is the only time for you to do a party. True, but i could just take that whatever amount of money and spend it on something i really like, lets say travelling?
My birthday is in October so i'm like yeah pretty anxious now cause if i wanna do it i gotta start all the planning now. So should I? Any suggestions?
Oh yeah so that's pretty much about it for now.
Till i blog again,
bye lovelies.
This post comes a little late.
My exams ended a week ago. This means that i'm welcoming 3 months of freedom wooohoooooooo!!
You know, actually, i do not need the entire 3 months. I mean, given 3 months of holidays, there is actually nothing much that i can do either.
I'm probably just gonna
1. Work
2. Go on holiday
3. Shopping
4. Catch up with friends
5. Laze around at home
Oh yeah thats the 5 things im gonna do for this whole of 3 months.
1. Work
Very important. Yes i need income for this holiday. I know i'm gonna spend a lot, so of course i need to earn some money. Probably going back to gucci. Its a pretty nice place, the people there are pretty nice too, so why not?
2. Go on holiday
Oh yeah very important too. I love travelling, i miss travelling. This time round, i'm heading to hongkong with my sis and mum. Well, really miss disney, and since its too expensive to go all the way back to florida for disney world, so i'll for a cheaper and nearer alternative, hongkong disneyland! Its still disney, so i'm not gonna be picky about this. And anyway, i want to cover all the disney parks in the whole world. So yeah, i visited disneyland in California, visited disney world in florida. Next stop, disneyland hongkong.
And yeah, maybe i'll also be going for a short getaway to batam in one of the resorts. I know people tell me that there is not much to do in Batam. But still, i like to just visit one of the nice resorts there, get a message, probably walk around and explore a little, have a seafood feast there and yup, this is pretty nice too!
I mean nowadays they have all the Groupon deals which are so cheap (even though i heard many negative comments about Groupon), but yeah i think no harm trying since some of them are really cheap and seems to be rather worth it!
3. Shopping
Oh yeah shopping. This is a must. I always think that my wardrobe is so empty, always have troubles deciding what to wear. This just means that i need more clothes. LOL i think this is what every woman feel. Yup and shoes too! Bags, wallets, etc.
Oh and i'm thinking of getting a new laptop. I mean my current one, i've been using for about 4 years, it always gives me so many problems. Oh and its really slow and heavy, so its kinda inconvenient when i have to bring it to school for projects.
Thinking of getting a Mac. Maybe MacBook Air. But i've never used a Mac in my entire life before. So should I?
4. Catch up with friends
Oh yes this is a must. Have been so busy with schoolwork and trying to adapt to uni life. So i should be cataching with those friends whom i haven't seen for ages. Really wanna go for cafe hopping with some of these lovelies.
5. Laze around at home
Oh yeah, when u have nothing to do, nowhere to go, this is the best option. Just laze around at home, watching some of my favourite dramas, do some manicure, put on some mask.
Oh and another thing, i'm thinking of doing a 21st party. Still deciding if i should, i know i'll probably need to spend quite a bit if i do, just not sure if its worth it for one night. My friends have been telling me that you will only be 21 for once, like this is the only time for you to do a party. True, but i could just take that whatever amount of money and spend it on something i really like, lets say travelling?
My birthday is in October so i'm like yeah pretty anxious now cause if i wanna do it i gotta start all the planning now. So should I? Any suggestions?
Oh yeah so that's pretty much about it for now.
Till i blog again,
bye lovelies.
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